Boosh Treatment
by Beechwood0708
Summary: Sequel to Booshy Horror, based on Shock Treatment. Howard is sent to a mental hospital while his rather suspicious doctors turn Vince into a new media sensation.
1. Dalston Where the Rave Goes Down

Greetings. This lovely sequel (oo, presumptuous) has pretty much nothing to do with Booshy Horror besides taking place after it and featuring a few of the same characters. It's based on Shock Treatment, which flopped on release, but which I rather like. Patricia Quinn claims that it flopped because there isn't enough sex in it. There are lots of drugs though. Lots and lots of drugs.

And mentions of magnetic earrings, which are quite possibly the most painful things in existence. I had my ears pierced just so I wouldn't have to keep wearing the bitches.

Disclaimer: The Boosh is owned by Noel Fielding (Emily's Crush no 4) and Julian Barratt (Emily's Crush no 5), and Shock Treatment is owned by Richard O'Brien (Emily's Crush no 2), though a few subplots in later chapters will be my own invention, and not based on the movie.

Sit back and enjoy, or Cosmo and Nation will not be happy. No seriously, enjoy it.

Boosh Treatment

Cheesy TV music is playing, while various employees of the Dalston TV studio are sitting in the audience stalls under a large neon sign proclaiming 'Dalston: The Pad of Pop Culture', or just going about their business. The stage manager appears and shouts orders, and Monkey, Mrs Gideon, Tommy Nooka, Graham, Neon, Ultra, Lester Corncrake and Lance Dior take their places on the soundstage, which is set up with a giant word "DALSTON" decorated in a funky modern style.

Tommy (leaning over to look at Gideon): Good luck, honey.

The stage door opens and the audience rush in, all extremely excited. Among them are the not-so-newlyweds, Howard and Vince Noir-Moon. Howard appears skittish, reluctant and quite dishevelled, and not in a sexy way. Vince just looks good, if a little frustrated.

Howard: What are we gonna do, Vince?

Vince: Don't worry Howard; everything's gonna be alright.

Vince drags Howard into the stalls and finds them seats next to the aisle. The music fades out, and the audience watches the opening titles of 'Dalston Dossier'. On the soundstage, the opening anthem is about to begin. The performers are inhabiting different environments between the letters, with Gideon in what appears to be a plush hotel room with a sexy ambience, dressed in a ballroom gown, Tommy among cameras and sound equipment, Graham what looks suspiciously like a dominatrix's dungeon, Neon and Ultra in an alley, Lester on a large leather sofa, and Lance next to him wrapped around a poledancing pole, with Monkey standing in front.

Monkey (singing): _You'll find new pop stars and talent competitions,_

_And people with strange medical conditions_

_In Dalston._

Monkey leaves the stage as the song continues.

Tommy (singing): _You'll find media moguls who cause offence,_

Gideon (singing): _And slinky, snakelike elegance_

_In Dalston._

Graham (singing): _You'll find low-lit clubs_

_And a high-class sex shop,_

_And the people there always look hot._

_You'll be number one if you can act or sing,_

Graham approaches Neon and Ultra, who are facing backwards and dressed in parody cheerleader costumes, combining ripped miniskirts and low-cut tops with savage-looking knee boots, large tattoos and heavy jewellery.

Graham (singing):_ And Dalston girls_

_Will do anything._

Neon and Ultra turn round, revealing that their faces are covered in war paint and expressions that suggest that the only thing more slashed than their outfits is whoever suggested they wear them.

Neon/ Ultra (singing): _You might call us a pair of cheap slags._

_We look easy but we do have standards._

_And you'll always know if you live in Dalston_

_That whores are never as bad as those who have them._

Lester (singing): _If you want a life of nothing but pleasure_

Lance (singing): _Come and look around at your leisure._

Lester (singing): _Then come back again,_

Lance (singing): _And again and again,_

Lester/ Lance (singing): _And again._

The audience joins in with the chorus, dancing in their seats, all in synch. Vince joins in, his enthusiasm spoiled only by Howard, who sits still and stony-faced.

Vince/ Audience (singing): _Dalston, Dalston, you're where life is full-on,_

_You're the gold streets where only tramps drown._

_Dalston, Dalston, you're a place to halt on,_

_You're the home of pop_

_Where life never stops,_

_You're Dalston where the rave goes down._

Gideon (singing):_ This is the Mecca of the UK,_

Tommy (singing): _The Holy Land without the vultures,_

Gideon (singing): _This is the birthplace of the glorious,_

Tommy (singing): _The Pad of Pop Culture._

Lance (singing): _Of you're coming down, well, why wait?_

Lester (singing): _You'll_ _only need one day, and you'll never go away._

Neon/ Ultra (singing): _And Dalston parties don't stop for five days straight._

Vince/ Audience (singing): _Dalston, Dalston, you're where life is full-on,_

_You're the gold streets where only tramps drown._

_Dalston, Dalston, you're a place to halt on,_

_You're the home of pop_

_Where life never stops,_

_You're Dalston where the rave goes down._

The audience gets to their feet, and Vince drags Howard into standing, and he stands mute as Vince sings and dances with the rest of the audience.

Vince/ Audience (singing): _Dalston, Dalston, you're where life is full-on,_

_You're the gold streets where only tramps drown._

_Dalston, Dalston, you're a place to halt on,_

_You're the acceptable face_

_Of the human race,_

_You're Dalston where the rave goes down._

On a smaller soundstage, Leroy, who is currently recovering from emergency facial surgery, is sitting at a newscaster's desk next to Rudi van di Sarzio. Leroy's face is obscured by bandages, but not so much that the coy glances he continuously flashes at Rudi are lost.

Leroy (to camera): So, wasn't that… rehearsed. And now for (he giggles shyly) my favourite part of the show, our regular in-depth discussion with Rudi van di Sarzio, Dalston's leading Priest of the Order of the Psychadelic Monks. (to Rudi) Mr van di Sarzio, did you enjoy our anthem?

Rudi: Hmm… in a way.

Leroy: You don't sound sure? Do you perhaps feel that such screaming choruses of empty words are overly manipulative?

Throughout their exchange, Leroy is staring goggle-eyed at Rudi.

Rudi: Well, Leroy, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly. Offers of money, extortion…

As Rudi speaks, Monkey climbs up to where Vince and Howard are sitting in the audience.

Monkey: Hello Howard, Vince. Have you come for Marriage Maze?

Vince nods.

Monkey: I am exhausted from working on this documentary for Mr Boon's new show.

Vince: Who?

Monkey: Harold Boon, our new sponsor.

Vince: Oh yeah, that prick.

Monkey: Prick he may be, but is the closest thing I have found to a successful man in this town. Even my Rudi no longer uses his new sound and spends all the days doing interviews for unpopular magazine shows.

At the news desk, Rudi is finishing his interview.

Rudi: … and lies.

Leroy: Thank you, Mr Rudi van di Sarzio. We'll see you after these adverts.

An advert plays, involving Lance Dior dancing sexually and being set upon by various men and women dressed in costumes. It ends in a message proclaiming the wonders of Harold Boon's Identity Wonderdrug. As the advert ends, the studio is readied for the Marriage Maze show, and Leroy and Rudi leave their news desk for Pete's coffee stand.

Leroy: Thank you for another wonderful interview, Mr van di Sarzio.

Rudi: Leroy, I think by now you may call me Rudi.

Leroy (practically swooning): Oh, Rudi, you're so tolerant. Do you have time for a coffee break before you go?

Rudi: Normally I do not drink of the Devil's pep pills, but for you I will, if you do not mind being seen in the company of an older man.

Leroy: Well, since Lester and I separated, maturity has been something I look for in a man.

People call to them from the audience, and Monkey rushes up to them.

Monkey: Hello Leroy. Oh, you must keep up such a high standard of interview, and I will include you in Mr Boon's documentary. You are so probing.

She smiles and rushes off.

Rudi (faintly fondly): A free thinker.

Leroy (slightly worried): Nothing else is free.

They approach Pete's stand.

Pete: Heya, Leroy. Usual?

Leroy: Plus one, mate.

Pete passes two coffees. Leroy finishes quickly, but Rudi only sips. Graham approaches.

Pete: Hi Graham, you sticking around for Marriage Maze?

Graham: Course I am. You know, I used to work with that Vince.

Pete: I know, and Howard too.

Graham: Who?

Pete: Howard.

Graham looks at him blankly.

Pete: The one he married.

Graham continues to stare blankly.

Pete: You know, moustache-man, he stole your electric baton and hit you with it that time.

Graham just shakes his head.

Graham: I've heard this could be a big one for the Ape too.

They are interrupted by a voice introducing the next show.

Tannoy: And now, introducing that terrific torturemaster, helping thousands of couples to get out of the dungeon and turn their relationships into a golden shower, it's the Ape of Death!

Grinning and manic, the hideously unkempt Ape of Death bounds onto the soundstage, to the applause of the frenzied audience.

Ape of Death: Hoopla Dalston!

Audience: Hoopla!

The Ape dances over to the Marriage Maze set, where he places himself between two seats marked HIM and HER.

Ape of Death: Thank you, thank you! Before we start, I just want to tell you all about tomorrow night's great new show, The Faith Factory. And we have the host and his gorgeous co-host in the studio tonight with us. Please give a big hand to Lester Corncrake and the vivacious Lance Dior!

Vince (shouting from audience): Wanker!

The rest of the audience applaud.

Ape of Death: I really really enjoyed your commercial, Lance.

Lance: Thank you very much.

Ape of Death: Really really enjoyed it…

He stands and leers for a few moments, until Lester clears his throat.

Ape of Death: Oh, yes! Is there a great show lined up for tomorrow, Lester?

Lester: There most certainly is, Ape of Death.

Ape of Death: Great! I'll be there! Won't we all, viewers?

The audience cheer and applaud. Back at Pete's coffee stand, Leroy and Rudi watch unimpressed.

Leroy: Lance Dior with my husband, what was I thinking? Still, the weaker the man, the bigger the prick.

Rudi (pointing): Is that Vince and Howard Noir-Moon in the audience. They have always seemed such a beautiful couple. More than anyone else in Dalston, they represent the true values, of unconditional love despite contrasting personalities.

Ape of Death: And now, would the first couple who have left their marriage handcuffed and wound up whipped come down please! You!

In the audience, Vince is ecstatic and Howard is terrified.

Vince: That's us, Howard!

Ape of Death: Come on down, come on down!

Howard: I'm not going, Vince.

Vince: You've got to- everyone's watching.

They come down to the soundstage to loud applause. As they get to the set, they hesitate before the heterosexual-orientated design, before Vince sighs angrily and sits in the HER seat.

Vince: You know, everyone thinks it anyway.

Ape of Death: Okay, face the cameras and introduce yourselves.

Both Howard and Vince start talking at the same time, and then shut up, each thinking the other will speak first. Both speak together, and shut up. The same thing happens again, and they sit, glaring at each other silently for a moment.

Vince: I'm Vince Noir-Moon, and this is my civil partner, Howard.

Ape of Death: So Howard, we've been hearing some bad things about you, haven't we Vince.

Leroy and Rudi look on shocked, as Vince hesitates and Pete sniggers.

Ape of Death: Haven't we, Vince.

Vince: Oh, yeah. He needs help.

Ape of Death: Help? Let's face it, Vince- Howard's an emotional cripple!

The Ape of Death laughs hysterically, joined by the audience, and a dark, affronted look creeps onto Vince's face. Howard does his best to humour them and laughs weakly, while Leroy and Rudi are still staring, ignoring the guffawing Pete and Graham behind them.

Vince: Um, yeah, I know…

Ape of Death: It looks like Rest Home for this stupid marriage, huh?

The audience cheer their approval, and Vince smiles nervously.

Ape of Death: So, Vince, do you watch Dalstonvale?

Vince: I've seen it a couple of times.

Ape of Death: It's DTV's most popular hospital series, featuring those unrivalled hypnotherapeutic neurospecialists, Doctors Anthrax and Ebola. And I think it's time Vince, that you sent Howard to them for treatment.

Vince: Look, I know he's a bit thick, and he's boring sometimes, but… neurospecialists? Isn't that a bit extreme?

Ape of Death: There's no use hesitating, we have to cut quick and deep.

By the coffee stand, Rudi whispers to Leroy.

Rudi: Have I seen these neuro-devils before?

Leroy: Probably, the Ape brought them over from Transylvania. Apparently they had a knack for converting vanilla lovers to their partner's kinky fantasies. It was that that brought them together- some bloodplay while dressed as spider monkeys got a little extreme, and they cut a deal. Surely you've seen them on Dalstonvale?

Rudi: No. I do not watch such things.

Back on the soundstage, the Ape of Death is shouting to the audience.

Ape of Death: There is only one solution- one, two three!

Audience: Dalstonvale!

Howard looks increasingly nervous.

Ape of Death: Don't go away. We'll be back after these commercials to see if Vince and Howard want to play or pass.

The audience applauds, and Rudi looks up to the 'Pad of Pop Culture' sign to see a silhouetted figure moving around behind it. On the soundstage, Vince and Howard sigh with relief. The Ape of Death leans down to speak to Vince as he leaves the stage.

Ape of Death: Congratulations, Vince. I think you've made a wise decision.

Vince: But I-

The Ape has gone before he can finish. Howard stands up.

Howard: Vince, I'm not going.

Vince: What d'you mean, you're not going? You'll ruin the show.

Howard: I don't need treatment.

He goes to move forward, but stumbles and knocks over a jug of coloured drink.

Ape of Death (shouting from across the studio): But you could use a new pair of feet, huh, stupid! Doesn't he?

The audience laugh madly at Howard. Vince snaps.

Vince: I'm sick of being humiliated by you! The Ape's right! You're going!

Howard just looks at him, stunned into silence. The adverts begin, and products flash one by one onto a screen. The first is an electric guitar.

Howard (singing): _Dear Fender, oh won't you help a first offender?_

_Cigarette lighter, don't you put the burn on me._

_Designer rollerskaters, why are we always sooner or later_

_Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night?_

_Dear music store, oh won't you help me to face life more?_

_Porno magazine, don't you put the dirt on me._

_GHD straight'ner, why are we always sooner or later_

_Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night?_

Vince (singing): _Everything used to be okay,_

_But I've been devoured_

_And Howard, I'm cowered to say_

_Is on his way._

_Hash-inspired baker, why are we always sooner or later_

_Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night?_

_Film by Tim Burton, oh won't you help me to be certain?_

_Magnetic earrings, don't you put the squeeze on me._

_Depilitator, why are we always sooner or later_

_Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night?_

Tannoy: And now it's back to Marriage Maze, and for Dalstonvale fans, here is our special guest.

Johnny Two-Hats, dressed in a funked-up male nurse's uniform, naturally with two caps on, enters with a wheelchair, smiling.

Ape of Death: It's Johnny from the Rest Home!

Johnny: Hey, Mr Death!

Ape of Death: Hello Johnny.

Johnny: I've come for Mr Noir-Moon.

Ape of Death: Howard will learn to care in the surgical chair.

The audience cheers.

Johnny approaches Vince and Howard.

Johnny: Nothing serious, I hope.

Vince: No. just a checkup.

Ape of Death: Just a checkup, indeed.

The audience laughs

Vince: _Tell me spectator, why are we always sooner or later_

_Bitchin' in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night?_

Johnny forces Howard into the wheelchair and pushes him out, with Vince following.

Tannoy: The Ape has done it again! Another rocky marriage is heading for intensive care.

Ape of Death: The subject is committed!

The camera and lights switch off, and the Ape mutters to the stage manager.

Ape of Death: As are we all.

Johnny leads Howard and Vince into the office of Doctors Anthrax and Ebola as the Dalstonvale credits show.

Voice-over: Dalstonvale: The Arrival. Introducing Vince and Howard Noir-Moon.

Anthrax and Ebola are sitting together at a desk. Neither is dressed as a doctor, and it can just be seen that one of Ebola's wrists is handcuffed to the desk.

Anthrax: Mr and Mr Noir-Moon, lovely to see you. I'm Mistress-Doctor Anthrax, and this is my sister and colleague, Doctor Ebola.

Ebola gives a mirthless, almost mocking smile and motions with her free hand for them to sit down.

Ebola: We understand you've been going through some pretty… dark times.

Vince: Well, yeah, we have…

Howard: Listen, there's nothing really wrong with me! Vince and I just haven't been getting along too well and I've a had a few problems-

Johnny sneaks up behind him and jams a hypodermic into his neck, and then pushes him over onto the desk, where he lies unconscious. Anthrax and Ebola lean over him, Ebola leaning only as far as the handcuffs will allow, and Anthrax shines a penlight into his eyes, but doesn't really look at it.

Anthrax: Does he do this often?

Vince: No, he's never done that before.

Anthrax: Then there's still some hope for him.

Ebola: If anyone can help him, we can.

Vince: Well, he does need help.

As Johnny helps Howard's unconscious form back into the wheelchair, Nurse Diva, who wears a uniform that was probably bought from Ann Summers, and who Vince vaguely remembers as once having an interest in Howard, enters.

Anthrax: Diva, it's about time.

Diva: Well that was real short notice, because I was seeing to your guinea pigs, a few more of them died today-

Ebola: Attend to Mr Noir-Moon, nurse.

Diva: Which one?

Anthrax: The one that's unconscious.

Diva begins to mess around with Howard's wheelchair, as Anthrax waves a contract in front of Vince's face.

Anthrax: Just a few little things, a contract to be signed.

Diva bends lover, turning so that her barely-covered behind and small black knickers are right in Vince's face. Anthrax leans over and swats her with the contract.

Vince: Could I do that later?

Ebola: Of course.

Vince follows as Diva pushes Howard away. Diva leans over to whisper to him.

Diva: Sign the contract tomorrow.

In the office, Anthrax has unlocked Ebola's handcuffs, and is pushing her way out of the door. Ebola, following, is hit in the nose.

Anthrax: Mr Noir-Moon, just a few details! Does your husband have any living relatives? Any _blood_ relatives?

Vince: None that we speak to. Can we sort this later, please?

Ebola: Of course, dearest.

Anthrax and Ebola retreat, arm-in-arm and a little put out, into their office, as Diva pushes Howard into a ward.

Vince: So why shouldn't I sign now?

Diva: This way you get the first day free.

Vince nods as they go into the ward. He doesn't notice that the neon sign above the door reads 'TERMINAL'.


	2. You Might Find Out I Still Love You

First up, sorry for both late reviews and lack of updates. I am almost up to date on everyone else's fics now. And if anyone wants to read an M-rated Nathan Barley fic, skip on over to the British comedy section.

Right now I am excited because I have NEW FRANK N. FURTER SHOES. Useless and very stereotypical information but... meh.

Also, I want, for no real reason, to amend the crush list from the start of the last chapter. I would put Noel and Julian on an interchangeable 5 and 6 (I am thick and forgot to put Bowie in the list- CRIME!), but Richard O'Brien is still number 2. Why anyone will ever need to know this escapes me.

When Leroy reads 'Les Miserables', I have no idea if that is the opening sentence, but I doubt it. I don't own the book. But if anyone does and can tell me the last sentence, please let me know.

Also, if anyone here has LiveJournal, how about friending me- I'm thingogram.

And could I get anyone's opinion- I'm thinking of starting a new C2 to house all these crossovers. There are so many of them now. Adele, you have created a monster. I commend you.

Anyway, I'll shut up now. Enjoy :-)

* * *

The Marriage Maze logo flashes again on a screen.

Tannoy: Here's the Ape of Death, to make your biz his with the Thirty-Second Quiz!

On the Marriage Maze set, Tommy Nooka and Mrs Gideon are now sitting in the HIM and HER seats.

Ape of Death: As Vince's stalkers, this should be really easy.

Gideon: About Howard's family?

Ape of Death: Your last clue is… 'mental instability'. You have thirty seconds.

A timer reading '30' appears on screen and begins to count down.

Tommy: Mental instability?

Gideon: He never talks about his family, you know. Do you ever wonder why?

Tommy: Oh, yes, I'd forgotten.

Gideon: Well, I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married. I said to Vince: "what do you know of his parents?" But he never listened. Sometimes I worry he is too nice a boy.

The timer has now reached fifteen seconds.

Ape of Death: Which leads us to…

Tannoy: This afternoon's surprise prize, a stay in that decadent new series, Gold, including use of a new hot tub and stash of crack.

By now the timer only has five seconds left.

Gideon (uncertainly): Erotomania?

The timer stops at two seconds. The Ape of Death looks down at Mrs Gideon.

Ape of Death: You got it.

Mrs Gideon breaks into a grin worthy of a Miss World winner, and loses all of her hard-earned dignity in half a second flat.

Gideon: I got it! I got it!

Tommy: She got it!

Gideon: I got it!

She jumps from her seat and throws herself at the Ape of Death, almost ready to kiss him, but breaks away as she smells his hair and retches. Still cheering, Tommy pulls her away, as she leans down to take his hand and tries to jump for joy at the same time, resulting in her nearly falling over as the two of the are escorted from the soundstage.

Ape of Death: So it's Gold for Tommy Nooka and Mrs Gideon of Dalston!

Tommy and Mrs Gideon are taken from the stage, still cheering. Later on, in the doctors' office, the Ape is watching the scene on TV with Ebola, as Anthrax sorts out Vince's contract. Ebola reaches forward and switches off the TV.

Ape of Death (mocking): She got it! She got it in one!

Ebola cannot help but laugh at this, and Anthrax turns towards her and hisses, catlike, baring her fangs, and Ebola stops.

Ape of Death: Erotomania!

Ebola (still grinning wickedly, with a wink at Anthrax): Our speciality.

Ape of Death (hysterically): Your speciality!

Anthrax: I can't wait to begin on him. Really, Death, I don't know what we'd do without you.

Ape of Death: I have to be honest, the decision to have Howard committed wasn't entirely my own.

Anthrax: Of course, there's little Vince. But if he was so keen to get his husband in here, why wouldn't he sign the contract?

Ape of Death: No, not Vince either. It was in fact (he shares a smiling glance with Ebola) your new sponsor.

Anthrax spins round to face him in a rage.

Anthrax: Sponsor?

Ape of Death: Dalstonvale has been sold.

Anthrax: Sold?

Ebola: Darling Death arranged everything.

Ape of Death: Yes! You endorse his Faith Factory, and he endorses your experimentation with the mentally ill.

Anthrax: Him! How dare this vanilla bastard take advantage of me!

Ebola (smirking): I don't think he intends to go that far.

Anthrax glares at her and turns away. Ebola and the Ape giggle to each other, and Anthrax spins round and punches Ebola in the face.

* * *

Outside in the Terminal ward, Diva leaves Vince alone with Howard, who is passed out in his wheelchair in a cage in the centre of the room. Vince watches him and walks around the cage sadly.

Vince (singing): _If only you knew how to win some prizes._

_If only you knew how to play._

Elsewhere in the studio, someone is watching him on a monitor.

Vince (singing): _If you could sleep nights and stop your crying,_

_You might find out I still love you in my own way._

Vince leaves the ward, unable to look at Howard's form any more.

Vince (singing): _If that's not enough, then I'm so sorry I met you._

_It was almost like leading you on._

_But there's more to it all than just wringing your heart out_

_Over something that keeps on going wrong._

He doubles back on himself, rushing back to the ward.

Vince (singing): _So don't_ _tell me you love me._

_How am I supposed to know what that means?_

_No, don't sell emotion._

He reaches the door again and pushes it open, now desperate to get just one more look at Howard before the doctors start working on him.

Vince (singing): _You can't buy devotion_

_When you're falling apart at the seams._

He leaves again, this time even sadder, more resigned than before.

Vince (singing):_ I_ _hope that you'll smile when you reach your conclusion._

_I hope that you'll know just what to say._

_But if it should mean that the party's over,_

Vince looks at a flashing sign pointing to the Gold set, and follows it down the corridor.

Vince (singing): _You should know that I still love you,_

_You should know that I still love you,_

_You should know that I still love you_

_In my own way,_

_In my own way,_

_In my own way._

He reaches the door and it opens in front of him to reveal Mrs Gideon, dressed in another stunning evening gown.

Gideon: Oh, Vince, baby.

Vince flies at her for a hug, which she warmly returns.

Vince: Mrs G!

Gideon: I know, honey, he'll get all the help he needs. But in the meantime…

Mrs Gideon breaks away from the hug and holds up a long faux-snakeskin top, about the length of a very small dress.

Gideon: Look- for you. I found it upstairs. The pattern seems to have been copied exactly from a royal python.

She presses it to Vince's body.

Vince: Thank you, it's-

Gideon: Just what the doctor ordered, I know. Come in, my favourite show's just started.

She ushers him in.

Vince: What show?

Gideon (directly at a camera): Dalstonvale.

* * *

In the Terminal ward, a small, bedraggled creature resembling both a fox and a mainliner lies still on a cart, while Diva feeds Howard a cocktail of drugs. On a monitor, someone is still watching.

* * *

The Gold logo appears.

Voice-over: All that glitters isn't Gold. Gold, with guest star Vince Noir-Moon.

Mrs Gideon picks up two flirtinis from a table and takes them to the large sofa where Vince is sitting, wearing the faux snakeskin top over black jeans.

Tannoy: Are you sick of being shaken up by bad cocktails? Then buy a cocktail shaker with a Hot reputation.

Vince: Thanks Mrs G.

He takes it and sips gratefully. Tommy enters from a door to the garden.

Tannoy: When your man gets back from the wide world with a burning hunger, make sure you've got Dijon octuple-strength condoms wherever he looks. You'll be glad you did.

Tommy looks around and finds no condoms.

Gideon: Not now.

Tommy: This is ridiculous.

He watches Mrs Gideon pinning an elaborate clip into Vince's hair.

Tommy: Leave him alone, G-G, he's not a girl.

Gideon: I wanted to see him in it.

Vince: It's very nice.

Gideon: The material is synthetic, but with the exact friction and elasticity of real snakeskin.

Tommy: He's not interested.

Vince: Actually, I am-

Gideon: What are you trying to do, Tommy? Are you trying to upset him? Don't you want our stalkee to look pretty?

Tommy: What's he got to look pretty for?

Gideon: He's got a husband.

Tommy: He's got a weirdo. I've never been able to afford the time to have a nervous breakdown.

Mrs Gideon stares at him as he begins to light small items of furniture on fire, humming a tune through which the word "cheese" can faintly be heard, and shakes her head.

Vince: Poor Howard…

Gideon: Well, thank goodness he never speaks to his parents. It would have killed them to know. And thank goodness he didn't wind up like that boy who used to work in the haberdasher's…

Tommy: What is wrong with Bruno? He's a fine boy, who I haven't seen for a while.

Gideon: You probably have; he calls himself Elanor now.

Tommy: I think I'm going back out here.

He leaves the plush house, walks a cross the large astroturf garden set, and breaks through a partition into the next set- a jungle featured in a survival based 'reality' show.

Tommy (singing): _A man should call the toss,_

_Wear the pants and be the boss._

_A man should be the drake for his own damn sake._

He comes to a tree and finds a rope hanging from it, which he gives a gentle tug to.

Tommy (singing): _And men should be the misters_

_And the masters of their sisters._

_A man should be the reason for a heart to break._

Three battered-looking jungle explorers stand in the audience.

Explorers (singing): _So, live rough_

_Be tough_

_Like your father said._

They sit down as three rockers stand.

Rockers (singing): _And never forget_

_Violence should not beget_

_Any regret,_

They sit, and someone slightly confused stands.

Confused (singing): _Even_ _though you have cheese for a head._

The entire audience stands.

Audience (singing): _So always remember to live for the fight_

Explorers (singing): _In more ways,_

Rockers (singing): _And always_

Tommy (singing): _Remember I'm right._

Tommy watches a mechanised stuffed animal move in the undergrowth, and hides to wait for it to spring his trap.

Tommy (singing): _A man should spend a duration_

_Away from civilisation,_

_And learn all the skills that his ancestors had._

The animal moves out and springs the trap, causing the rope to snap and several flat hardboard trees to come crashing down behind Tommy.

Tommy (singing): _And men should have the calculation_

_To survive on their own lactations,_

_And never ever care he might be going mad._

He leaves the jungle set and returns to the Gold set, looking back at the audience as he enters the house.

Tommy (singing): _Faggots are maggots.  
Thank God I'm a man._

* * *

Off-camera in Dalstonvale, Anthrax, Ebola and the Ape of Death are lying back in a gothic boudoir, the doctors having given the Ape a complimentary therapy session. Ebola is particularly exhausted, and keeps shifting her position. She also has a few small new scars on her chest and shoulders.

Ape of Death: That was amazing.

Ebola: Coming from the monkey equivalent of Beelzebub, that's certainly some praise.

Anthrax: With that DIY identity drug-peddling Boon onto us, I doubt we'll have anyone to do this with again.

Ape of Death: Boon's meddling is good meddling, as you will see.

Johnny enters, wheeling in a TV on a cart.

Ape of Death: Dalstonvale will run forever now that he has embraced mental hygiene.

Ebola: Our cover!

* * *

In his research lab, Leroy is sitting next to his desk smoking, while Rudi watches disapprovingly.

Rudi: You know, I am convinced there is some kind of conspiracy here.

Leroy: Conspiracy? No, surely I'd have realised.

Rudi: You are not infallible, young Leroy. Even the cleverest of spies can miss things. Remember the monkey that could produce seventeen times its own bodyweight in shit? And no one ever realised where those opium poppies were being grown.

Leroy: Sounds like my husband. He comes out with seventeen times his own bodyweight in shit. Especially after Harold Boon gave him a commercial break.

Rudi: Oh yes, Harold Boon. I find it disgusting that his Faith Factory is financed by an entire nation's delusions, hallucinations and uncomfortable laxative side-effects.

* * *

In Anthrax and Ebola's boudoir, Ebola is beginning to look a little more together.

Ape of Death: Guess who got you the next episode. So that Vince will be free to front-line the new Faith Factory.

He removes a script from under his clothes, and Ebola reaches out and takes it eagerly.

Anthrax: We are the experts here.

Ape of Death: Who trusts experts?

Ebola: Vince does.

Ape of Death: Everyone loves the sweet transvestite. Especially Harold.

* * *

There is a knock on the door of the research lab.

Leroy: Come in!

Lester comes in.

Lester: Hi, you.

Rudi: Good evening, Lester.

Leroy: Hi.

Lester: I just came to give you this.

He passes Leroy a small envelope.

Leroy: Thank you.

Lance Dior rushes in and falls into Lester's arms.

Lance: Heya!

Lester: Hey, sweetie. We'd better be going, tomorrow's the big one, and Harold expects.

Rudi: Of course he does.

Lester: We'll leave you to it.

Lance: Bye!

Rudi: Goodbye.

Lester and Lance leave, and Leroy gets up and opens the door after them.

Leroy (calling): Oh Lester!

Lester: Yes!

Leroy: Shove it!

Lester: You shove it too, Leroy!

Leroy slams the door on him. He sits down and opens his letter, then gasps.

Leroy: Conspiracy's right; the Dalston Dossier is…

Rudi: Closed.

* * *

The Dalstonvale logo appears.

Voice-Over: Dalstonvale. Special guest star: Vince Noir-Moon.

The doors to Anthrax and Ebola's boudoir opens, and Vince enters nervously.

Anthrax/ Ebola: Vince!

Vince: I've come to see Howard.

Ebola: That's out of the question, darling. He's sleeping like a child.

Anthrax clicks her fingers as a signal for Ebola to usher Vince to their chaise-lounge. They sit on either side of him.

Anthrax: It's you we're worried about, Vince.

Ebola: Yes, how are you? Are you satisfied?

Vince: I'm fine, thank you.

Anthrax: There are countless people who believe that they're fine, Vince.

Ebola begins to absent-mindedly finger Vince's hair.

Ebola: But they only think they're fine.

Vince: That doesn't make any sense.

The Ape of Death gets up from the floor and stumbles over to the TV that Johnny brought in earlier. He switches it on to reveal an image of Harold Boon. Vince regards it suspiciously.

Ape of Death: This might.

Boon (on TV): Welcome to my new delegation.

I'm Harold and I've come to help you win.

We're going to package and sell some mental health to the nation

With my dream of the boy who's excessively feminine.

Diva and Johnny come in and stand behind the TV, joined shortly by Anthrax and Ebola.

Boon (singing, on TV): _Oh why aren't they doing tomorrow's new dance steps_

_The way they used to yesterday?_

_And who draws a perfect circle any more?_

_And if you're waiting for greatness to shake hands with you_

_You better daydream your life away._

_I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure._

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): _You're not just looking at the ID king,_

_Just another well-known face,_

_You're not looking at a king of anything._

Boon (singing, on TV): _I'm gonna shoot for the moon, I'm gonna play high noon,_

_I'm gonna take on the entire human race!_

At this point, Diva has climbed on top of the TV and is posing like a showgirl.

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): _You're not looking at a king!_

Boon (singing, on TV): _You're looking at an ace._

Vince smiles, and despite his mistrust of Harold Boon, cannot help chuckling at the pun. Diva swings her legs almost obscenely, almost kicking Ebola in the face.

Boon (singing, on TV): _I've got the sight and I've seen the light_

_And I'm gonna see the coming day_

_When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me._

_I'm gonna take my time and rock some rhyme_

_And it's gonna take your breath away._

_You'll be the front page rage of the age, just wait and see._

Vince is utterly charmed, and is now grinning at the prospect of his own fame.

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): _You're not just looking at the ID king,_

_Just another well-known face,_

_You're not looking at a king of anything._

Boon (singing, on TV): _We're gonna shoot for the moon, we're gonna play high noon,_

_We're gonna take on the entire human race!_

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): _You're not looking at a king!_

Boon (singing, on TV): _Oh no no no,_

_You're looking at an ace._

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): _You're looking at an ace._

Boon (singing, on TV): _You're looking at a god damn ace._

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): _You're looking at an ace._

Boon (singing, on TV): _You're looking at an ace._

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Diva/ Johnny (singing): _You're looking at an ace._

Boon (singing, on TV): _You're looking at an ace!_

Ebola (with an edge of sarcasm): Home movies, what's not to love?

Boon (on TV): Time's tight Vince.

Do it right, Vince.

Until tomorrow night… Vince.

Vince is grinning. Ebola comes back to sit next to him.

Vince: Wow. What an offer. But I still want to see Howard.

Ebola: The question is, dear, does Howard want to see you? Quite honestly, he hates you.

Vince: What do you mean?

Anthrax: Howard is harbouring deep feeling of resentment towards you, Vince.

Vince: Towards me?

Anthrax: It's classical. Almost a textbook case.

Vince: No!

Anthrax rubs a hand fleetingly over his shoulder.

Anthrax: That's a very bad response, Vince.

Ebola puts an arm around him and stroked his shoulder with her other hand.

Ebola: Yes, darling, leave the screaming to Howard.

Vince: It's not because I'm becoming too popular, is it?

Ape of Death: Of course it isn't. He wants to see you even more popular. He needs a man of exceptional desirability.

Ebola: You see, dearest. You can help us to help him.

Anthrax and Ebola lean in and rest their heads against his shoulders, enveloping him. Vince smiles.

Vince: I can…

* * *

In the Terminal ward, Johnny locks Howard back into his cage. He is now straightjacketed, and rocking back and forth humming to himself, clearly out of his mind.

* * *

Leroy is shoving documents into boxes and clearing out his research lab in a rage, as Rudi helps noncommittally.

Leroy: I'll bet you anything that Lance Dior had a hand in this! We'll probably be replaced by an hour of do-it-yourself plastic surgery tips.

Rudi: Leroy, do not overreact.

Leroy: Overreact? You're the one with theories about conspiracy!

Suddenly, Leroy's tone becomes softer and a little seductive. He turns to Rudi and smiles coyly.

Leroy: Rudi, are you spoken for this evening?

* * *

The lights have been turned up in Anthrax and Ebola's boudoir, and the two doctors are reading the next day's script. Vince and the Ape of Death sit close by, not speaking. The Ape appears relaxed, but Vince is clearly uncomfortable. Suddenly, the silence is broken by the Ape clapping to get the others' attention.

Ape of Death: Okay, we need an early start tomorrow-

Vince: Sorry, I've been meaning to mention; will you let me sort your bloody hair out? It's been pissing me off all evening.

Ape of Death: Ahem. An early start for Vince's debut on Early Afternoon Alarm Clock.

Vince: Could I just look in on Howard before I go home?

Ape of Death: Home?

Vince: … Home…

Ebola: This is the centre of the storm, darling. You'll stay here tonight. That way we can all be together when they turn the artificial light on in the studio.

Anthrax: And you can look in on Howard in the morning.

Diva comes in to escort Vince to his bedroom.

Ebola: Are all the beds made, nurse?

Diva: Yes doctor, I got that dead guy out and-

Anthrax (hissing): Then lock up.

Diva: Yes Mistress.

She leaves. Vince grins, a little nervously.

* * *

Graham wanders aimlessly down the set of a wet alley, while Leroy takes Rudi up to the gantry.

Rudi: So clever of you to find this secluded place.

Leroy: It pays to know your way around. I thought the Pod of Pop Culture might give your theories a new perspective.

Rudi: "Great perils have this beauty, that they bring light to the fraternity of strangers."

Leroy: Oh! I adore 'Les Miserables'! In fact…

He takes a book from his bag and opens it.

Leroy (reading): "What more was needed by this old man, who divided the leisure hours of his life, where he had so little leisure, between gardening in the day time and contemplation at night?"

* * *

In the windows above Diva escorts Vince to his bedroom. Two windows down, Anthrax and Ebola are in bed, Anthrax dressed in a loose black kimono and Ebola in a tight black corset with a pair of enormously high-heeled platform shoes. They lean in and almost kiss.

Ebola (singing): _I feel the heat from your skin and the cruelty in your grin._

_You're no good._

Anthrax: You're no good.

Ebola leans back, facing Anthrax, who leans forward and kisses along her legs.

Ebola (singing): _You've got dirt on your hands and everybody understands_

_You're no good._

Anthrax: You're no good.

Ebola moves away from her and goes to stand at the window, lighting a cigarette in a long holder.

Ebola (singing): _But what a joke._

_You feel like choking._

_You play for broke,_

_She leaves you smoking._

Anthrax picks up a riding whip and raises it to Ebola.

Anthrax (singing): _Romance is not a children's game._

Ebola (singing): _But you keep going back._

_She's driving you insane._

Ebola falls back onto Anthrax and they kiss deeply. In the next room, the Ape of Death is sitting still, eyes wide open, an open book of hair ideas next to him. In the next room after him, Vince climbs into bed.

Vince (singing): _Drift into the treacle deep,_

_Slip into its silent depths, go to sleep._

_With your everything akimbo,_

_Float into the sandman's limbo._

In the next room along, Johnny and Diva are taking erotic photographs of each other on a Polaroid camera. They take a few last photos before climbing into bed together.

Diva (singing): _Night night,_

_It's time for bye-byes,_

_It's been a great day, thanks a heap._

_Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep._

They cover themselves completely, the movement of the covers suggesting that they have no intention of sleeping.

Audience (singing): _Night night,_

_It's time for bye-byes,_

_It's been a great day, thanks a heap._

_Now it's time for everyone to go to sleep._

The audience are asleep in their seats, Diva and Johnny are making love, Vince sleeps in his bed, the Ape of Death is sitting awake in the dark, and in the last bedroom, Anthrax turns out the light and falls onto Ebola. In the room next to them, Howard slumps forward in his cage.


	3. The Me of Me

Okay, I don't know what I'm doing this weekend. I'm meant to be going away to run the 5K somewhere in the country at the BUSA competition, but I have had no word as to how or when I'm getting there. So I have no idea if I can actually go. If I don't go, I'll be pretty disappointed, but at least it will mean I won't get any more behind on reviewing stuff.

With that in mind, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to everyone who's posted stuff that I haven't reviewed yet, especially Thursday Next, who's written eight chapters of Jealousy and Other Demons, none of which I've read. I'm very sorry, and I will review everything.

It seems to have become custom here to talk about my crush list. It hasn't really changed. Except I told number 1 that I'm in love with her, and among other things it confirmed that a) she definitely doesn't swing that way, and b) I am a borderline alcoholic. But I apologised and that sort of cleared the air, which means I'm free to move on. There are a few possibilities, though I'm not really desperate to act on them just yet.

On a more fic-related note, the song Me of Me is so Vince's song, is it not. This is the whole reason I decided to write this in the first place.

Enjoy thou!

* * *

Up in the gantry, Leroy is still reading aloud from the last page of his enormous book. Sitting next to him, Rudi has fallen asleep against the railings. Yawning, Leroy finishes the book and closes it. Beneath them, Graham appears. He goes to the lighting system and pulls a switch, filling the studio with bright artificial daylight. He notices Leroy above him.

Graham: Hey!

Leroy looks down, and Graham holds up a dead snake.

Graham: Is this yours? I think it choked on a lark!

A dead bird suddenly falls from the snake's mouth, and Leroy throws his book in the air and screams.

* * *

At 11:15am, an alarm goes off in the Ape of Death's bedroom, and 'Sexyback' echoes through the room. Having sat awake all night, he gets up stiffly from the bed, crosses the room and does a little slinky dance before shutting off the alarm. He leaves the room and knocks on the bathroom door.

Ape of Death: Vince? Are you decent?

When he hears no response, he tiptoes in. he looks over to the shower, where Vince is silhouetted behind the curtain. His eyes widen and his jaw drops, and he stands there for a full minute and a half staring at Vince's silhouette.

Vince: What's that god-awful smell? You! You git, what the hell are you doing in here? Get out! Get out, you fugly minger!

Ebola enters, her eyes covered by black shadows, which may or may not be makeup. There are a few small traces of blood on her pale chest, and she looks like she hasn't slept in weeks.

Ebola: Good morning.

The Ape smiles nervously.

Ape of Death: Hello, doctor.

Vince is also somewhat nervous, noticing the blood on Ebola's skin.

Vince: Morning.

Ebola: Death, dearest, would you care to join me in a non-sex act? Mistress will be waiting for you in the wardrobe, Vince.

Vince: Brilliant.

* * *

In the Terminal ward, Howard has now been gagged, and is trying his best to scream for help.

* * *

In the wardrobe room, Anthrax is wandering around looking at the day's script with a military jacket covered in chains on her shoulders. Vince comes in, wearing a dressing gown. He looks around and sees no one.

Vince: Hello?

There is no response, but he hears Anthrax moving.

Vince: I want to see Howard.

Anthrax comes from behind a rack of clothes, wheeling a mirror.

Anthrax: Look at yourself.

Vince: I do that all the time. I want to look at Howard. I haven't seen him since I left him here.

Anthrax: You're beautiful. The most desirable creature that ever walked.

Vince: I know I am. You evidently know I am. I just wish Howard would say that to me.

Anthrax: Oh he will. But it's up to you to reawaken him. And we're giving you that chance. You can use the breakfast show to knock… Dalston… dead.

Vince: I can… But what'll I do? What'll I say? I haven't even got anything decent to wear for a breakfast show.

Anthrax just smiles, baring her fangs slightly. She pushes the mirror aside and creeps backwards back behind the rack, beckoning Vince forward with a finger.

Anthrax (singing): _Ever since I was a little child,_

_I've known how to drive vanilla minds wild,_

_And when the time comes to test,_

_There's only one thing that works the best,_

_And that's a strapless backless classical little black dress._

Anthrax winks and pulls some black material onto a sewing machine, and Vince rushes over to help her.

Anthrax (singing): _Well first you go rip rip rip,  
Then you go snip snip snip,  
Then you whip in a zip zip zip._

Vince (singing): _And split it up to the hip hip hip._

Anthrax: I like the way you think.

She stands up and wraps the material sensually around Vince's shoulders. Caught up in it, he slips his dressing gown from his shoulders, and Anthrax pushes the material to his bare skin, leering at him wantonly.

Anthrax (singing): _And as you strip strip strip,  
You shiver, and quiver, for that soft caress  
As you slip slip slip  
Into that little black dress._

* * *

Ebola leads the Ape of Death into a dressing room. He dances with her mock-romantically, winking and leering, and she responds out of a mixture of politeness, flattery and morbid curiosity.

Ape of Death (singing): _Ever since I was a juvenile,_

_I've always felt that PVC and studs was the epitome of style._

_And that look, like you've just been through hell_

_Is one that you pull off so well,_

_So call me "Sir", that's what you heard, don't tell your bird,_

_And this won't turn into a little black mess._

He is about to throw Ebola down onto the sofa, which Ebola actually seems rather excited about, when Anthrax appears at the door, with Vince, now dressed in a lacy black dress with a huge slit in one side, with a ripped sleeve on one side and coming to under his arm on the other, with black fingerless gloves, the one on the sleeved arm coming to his wrist and the one on the unsleeved arm coming to just over the elbow, a wide-brimmed black hat and blood red stilettos.

Anthrax: The sweet transvestite!

Vince shimmies past her, showing off his outfit, and jumps onto the table.

Vince (singing): _Well first you go rip rip rip,  
Then you go snip snip snip,  
Then you whip in a zip zip zip._

Anthrax lustfully strokes his bare thigh.

Anthrax (singing):_And split it up to the hip hip hip._

Vince begins to dance more teasingly.

Vince (singing): _And as you strip strip strip,  
You shiver, and quiver, for that soft caress  
As you slip slip slip  
Into that little black dress._

Vince grins, and starts kicking glasses and champagne bottles from the table, delighting in the smashing sound.

Vince (singing): _That minimal,_

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Ape of Death (singing): _Minimal!_

Vince (singing): _Criminal,_

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Ape of Death (singing): _Criminal!_

Vince (singing): _Siniful little black dress!_

The others step back a little as Vince continues to wreak destruction on the table, Anthrax watching proudly, while Ebola looks at Vince like her saviour and the Ape leers.

Ebola (singing): _Let's face it, Thrax, that basic black is coming back!_

Ape of Death (singing): _Let's face it, Thrax, that basic black is coming back!_

Ebola/ Ape of Death (singing): _Let's face it, Thrax, that basic black is coming back!_

Vince (singing): _That minimal,_

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Ape of Death (singing): _Minimal!_

Vince (singing): _Criminal,_

Anthrax/ Ebola/ Ape of Death (singing): _Criminal!_

Vince (singing): _Siniful little black dress!_

Anthrax, Ebola and the Ape spread themselves decadently over the sofa, and Vince falls elegantly on top of them.

* * *

In the main studio, the stage manager is attempting to wake up the audience.

Stage Manager: Come on people, rise and shine! I know it's only just gone twelve-thirty, but word has it, Vince might be out very soon!

At this, the audience begins to wake up. The door to the dressing room opens, and the audience cheer as Vince comes down, followed by Anthrax, Ebola and the Ape of Death. At the bottom of the stairs, Lester, Lance, Monkey and Monkey's omnipresent camera crew are waiting to meet them. Neon and Ultra, both now wearing fluorescent pink outfits, including fishnet gauntlets, leggings and footless tights, shorts and miniskirts, layered tops and war paint, are standing nearby, looking like they've just eaten a wasps' nest.

Monkey: Vince, I cannot tell you how excited I am... for you. We have a band, and dancers, and dry ice standing by. Leroy is indisposed, so Lance will have to do your introduction.

Vince pushes Lance away with the tips of his fingers.

Vince: I don't need introductions.

On the gantry, Leroy gasps, shocked. Lance sits on Leroy's desk on the smaller soundstage and pouts. He speaks like he has a wasps' nest of his own in his mouth at that moment.

Lance: The _fabulous_, the _golden_, the _very wonderful-_

Neon and Ultra invade his camera space, flipping the bird to the camera with both hands.

Neon/ Ultra (simultaneously): Vince!

On the main stage, Vince is illuminated, surrounded by the smoke of dry ice.

Vince (singing): _There's just the two of me,_

_Alone at last together._

_We've got the luck so far._

_We are my lucky star._

A funky beat begins, and Vince steps down from his set, which resembles a Greek temple. Neon and Ultra appear behind him, abandoning the script they have been given and going mental in the smoke. Vince ignores them, and maintains his aloof atmosphere.

Vince (singing): _Deep in the heart of me,_

_I love every part of me._

_All I can see in me_

_Is the danger and ecstasy._

He stands right in front of the camera, eyeing it up as both a threat and a lover as he sings.

Vince (singing): _One thing there couldn't be_

_Is any more me in me._

He moves away from the camera, and within a second, Neon and Ultra are there in his place, terrifying the cameraman with their manic grins and sharp moves.

Neon/ Ultra (singing): _This is the me of me!_

_Me me me!_

Vince ascends the stairs to the audience's seats, removing his hat and holding it.

Vince (singing): _Me me!_

_Me me me!_

He throws his hat like a Frisbee, and there is a surge in the audience as they jump up to catch it. Vince leaves them and returns to the soundstage.

Vince (singing): _I am my destiny._

_Je croirai toujours en moi, ha ha._

_I never lie to me,_

_I'd be willing to die for moi._

He sashays over to the sectioned off are where the band are playing and pushes over the partitions shielding them from view. Seeing this, the security rush over to stop him, but are beaten back by Neon and Ultra, who have come to join in.

Vince (singing): _I'll_ _pray every day to me,_

_And here's what I'd say to me:_

Neon/ Ultra (singing): _This is the me of me!_

_Me me me!_

Vince dances among the band with an animalistic look on his face, pounding the drum kit and stealing a guitar.

Vince (singing): _Me me!_

_Me me me!_

_Me me me!_

_Me me me!_

He runs into his temple set, still playing the stolen guitar, and then positions himself directly before it.

Vince (singing): _Aaaaaorgh! Me me!_

_Me me me!_

_Yeah! Me me!_

_Look at me!_

_Moi moi!_

The music ends, and Neon and Ultra appear in the background with two nervous-looking and rather bloodied security guards reluctantly following them and proceed to tear down the set. Watching on a monitor, Harold Boon seems to have almost been having an orgasm. The audience applaud and scream Vince's name, and Leroy runs from the gantry, with Rudi following him. At the desk on the smaller soundstage, Lester smiles like he's constipated, while Lance still looks like he has a wasps' nest in his mouth.

Lance: And you can see and hear Vince tonight on Faith Factory, brought to you by Harold Boon.

Various crew members rush to Vince to congratulate him. The guitarist takes his instrument back, and the band shower Vince with compliments. Neon and Ultra approach urgently.

Neon: We need to talk to you!

They are shoved out of the way by Anthrax, Ebola and the Ape of Death, who jump on Vince, kissing and embracing him.

Ape of Death: Brilliant! Out of self came selflessness!

Vince: Yeah, speaking of selflessness; your hair, mate.

Ebola: You've revealed yourself. The real you. The secret you.

Anthrax: And you liked what you saw, didn't you Vince.

As Vince is about to answer, Leroy barges past the doctors.

Leroy: How's Howard?

Vince is flustered for a moment, but grins and recovers.

Vince: Well, if he caught my act, he'll be looking good. It seems I'm his medicine, so we're off to give him another spoonful. See you later, Leroy.

Vince walls off with the Ape of Death and the doctors following him, leaving Leroy alone with Rudi. Leroy looks back at Rudi, his face full of worry.

* * *

Over at the coffee stand, Pete is raving to everyone about Vince's performance. Mrs Gideon and Tommy Nooka stand next to his stall, deadpan.

Pete: Wasn't he a knockout!

Gideon: Thank you.

Pete: He was terrific! Sexyyyyyy!

Tommy: What? He was a boy in a dress.

Pete: But, at the same time… ironic, masculine. How's Howard.

Gideon/ Tommy (simultaneously): He's fine.

Pete: Lucky git, with a twinkie like that for a partner.

Tommy: Yeah, he is.

They walk away, irate. Leroy and Rudi appear in their place.

Leroy: Give me a coffee, Pete, I'm dying.

Pete slams an empty cup upside down on the counter.

Pete: RIP, Leroy. You're off the air.

Leroy storms off, with Rudi close behind, heading for his research lab.

Leroy: What's going on, Rudi? Vince is on the afternoon breakfast show, Howard's committed to a nowhere series, and we've been-

He tries his key in the lock, and it refuses to turn.

Rudi: Written out.

* * *

The Dalstonvale logo appears. Mrs Gideon and Tommy are in the Terminal ward.

Voice over: Dalstonvale: The Mission of Mercy. Starring the increasingly popular Vince Noir-Moon.

Vince enters, grinning and catlike.

Vince: Hi G-G, hi Tommy. Hi Howard, I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

Howard, fully conscious at this point, attempts to scream in shock through his gag.

Gideon: Vince! Where's that beautiful outfit I found for you?

Vince: Oh, Anthrax just whipped up this little crowd-pleaser for me.

Tommy: You're wearing a dress!

Vince shakes his behind sexily.

Vince: I know. With nothing underneath to spoil the line.

Howard attempts to voice his shock, but is unable to because of the gag.

Gideon: My god, Vince, how can you say such things? Look at your husband. Look what they've done to him.

Howard makes a choked sound that sounds vaguely like "thank you". At that moment, Anthrax, Ebola, the Ape of Death, Johnny and Diva burst through into the ward.

Anthrax: Oh, hello. You must be the stalkers.

Tommy: Are you the doctor.

Anthrax: I am.

Tommy: There's going to have to be an investigation. There are laws against this.

Vince: It's for his own good, Tommy.

Ape of Death: Vincey!

Vince: The Ape!

They run over and embrace, Vince beginning to mess with the Ape's hair. There is a general cry of excitement as everyone tries to get a hug out of Vince, until he sits down on a bench with the Ape.

Tommy: What's going on here?

Anthrax opens the door to the cage, and Mrs Gideon and Tommy follow her and Ebola in.

Anthrax: The patient was in great danger of doing himself harm.

Ebola: We only want what's best for him. Surely, as his stalkers-in-law, you must understand.

Tommy: No I don't. Howard doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey. There are drugs to keep him quiet.

Ebola: Dearest, we did use them. All of them.

Gideon: None of them worked?

Ebola: No.

Tommy: Double the strengths.

Ebola: We did. We doubled the drugs. Tripled the drugs. We found a fox that was partially made of drugs.

Anthrax: Nothing worked.

Ebola: And we know how you feel.

The doctors grin wickedly.

Ebola: We're not strangers to confusion.

Gideon: We're not confused.

Tommy: I am, god damn it. You trust Howard with this masochistic gothic nymphomaniac?

Vince sneers to the Ape of Death, and makes an "ooh, bitchy" laugh. Anthrax and Ebola leave the cage and circle it.

Anthrax (singing): _I'm not a locum with motive to suture myself,_

_I've been a cynic for too many years._

She and Ebola meet on one side of the cage, and Anthrax strokes Ebola's waist.

Anthrax (singing): _Playing_ _doctor and nursey can be good for your health;_

_I've seen clinics with those gimmicks in Tangiers._

Ebola moves away from her, circling the cage the other way, them coming to the door and closing it with Tommy and Mrs Gideon inside.

Ebola (singing): _But if you open your heart to a smooth operator,_

_She'll take you for all that you've got._

_She'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later._

_It'll shake you the way she takes off,_

_Like a shot._

Anthrax (singing) _You need a bit of-_

Johnny/ Diva (singing): _Ooh, shock treatment._

Anthrax (singing): _Gets you jumping like a real livewire_.

_You need a bit of-_

Johnny/ Diva (singing): _Ooh, shock treatment._

Anthrax (singing): _So look out mister,_

_Don't you blow your last resistor_

_For a vista that'll mystify ya._

Diva climbs on the bars of the cage as Vince dances with the Ape behind her, occasionally reaching up to mess with his hair.

Diva (singing): _You're blinded by romance, you're blinded by science,_

_Your condition is critically grave._

_But don't expect mercy from such an alliance;_

_Suspicion of tradition's so new wave._

Anthrax swings her way into the cage, pouncing on Tommy and Mrs Gideon.

Anthrax (singing): _You need a bit of-_

Outside the cage, Vince poses on the bench as Johnny takes a photo.

Vince (singing): _Ooh, shock treatment._

Anthrax (singing): _Gets you jumping like a real livewire._

_You need a bit of-_

Vince is now joined by the Ape of Death, his hair looking much better than it did earlier.

Vince/ Ape of Death (singing): _Ooh, shock treatment._

Tommy and Mrs Gideon leave the cage to pose with Vince and the Ape, while Anthrax wraps herself around Howard's shoulders, teasing him with a needle.

Anthrax (singing): _So look out mister,_

_Don't you blow your last resistor_

_For a sister that'll certify ya._

'_Fy ya, 'fy ya._

_You need a bit of-_

Vince/ Ape of Death/ Gideon/ Tommy (singing): _Ooh, shock treatment._

Anthrax (singing): _Gets you jumping like a real livewire._

Ebola and Diva join the pose.

Anthrax (singing): _You need a bit of-_

Vince/ Ape of Death/ Gideon/ Tommy/ Ebola/ Diva (singing): _Ooh, shock treatment._

Anthrax (singing): _So look out mister,_

_Don't you blow your last resistor_

_For a sister that'll certify ya._

'_Fy ya, 'fy ya, 'fy ya, 'fy ya._

Anthrax leaves the cage and joins the others in a manic war dance out of the ward, leaving Howard alone. In the gantry above, Leroy and Rudi watch them.

Leroy: Look at that- the Ape of Death. People are going near him without heaving. The Ape of Death isn't repulsive!

Rudi: This is macabre indeed.

* * *

Vince and the other are still dancing when they arrive in the main soundstage, where several crew members arrive to meet them.

Lester: Hey, Vince. Welcome to the Faith Factory. We're all real excited about this.

Vince: Thank you.

Some scene shifters come past in the background, carrying between them a huge portrait of Harold Boon, which Vince looks at in awe.

Vince: Wow. Do I get one of those?

Lester looks at some set designers for conformation.

Lester: Erm… yes? Yes, course you do.

A crowd forms around Vince, and he stays to say hi to a few people for a moment before he is pulled away to the dressing room. Emerging from the crowd, Ultra, now dressed in an outfit which on her passes for normal, grabs Lester and spins him to face her.

Ultra: Corncrake, you promised you'd get me in there.

Lester: Later on, girl.

Ultra punches him in the gut.

Ultra: I have a name, Corncrake.

She storms off. Lester sighs and nudges the Ape of Death.

Lester: Hey, the Ape, mind if I have a word?

The Ape passes Ebola, who instantly scowls, a bottle of pills and follows Lester away. The others usher Vince into the dressing room, as the crowd chants repeatedly "Vince, Vince, we want Vince!" Monkey, followed by her omnipresent crew, runs after them.

Monkey: Vince! A quick word please! Could you tell us, what exactly you will be presenting tonight?

Vince gives a flawless starlet smile.

Vince: Sanity for Today.

The crowd applauds as Vince is pushed up the stairs to the dressing room.

Monkey: Those were the words of Vince Noir-Moon, DTV's newest star. Let's move on…

The crowd disperses, and Lester, the Ape of Death and the stage manager huddle together behind the stairs.

Lester: How's Howard.

Ape of Death: He's a wreck.

Lester looks a little uncomfortable about this, but doesn't vocalise it.

Lester: And you're sure we can trust those goths?

Ape of Death: Of course. As long as they get a few people to tie up and take advantage of, and occasionally test experimental drugs on, they won't cause any trouble.

Lester: Y'know, I wouldn't mind doing Vincey a few favours, y'know what I mean…

The other two stare at him.

Ape of Death: It's time we checked in with Boon.

He pulls the end off the riding whip he is carrying, revealing an aerial. In the room with the monitors in, Harold Boon picks up the phone.

Boon: Hit me.

* * *

In the dressing room, Anthrax and Ebola are mixing cocktails, while Vince stands around looking bored and Lance Dior, looking as pissed off as usual, writes furiously on a notepad.

Lance: Anything _else_ you'd like?

Vince: Yeah. A new carpet. I hate this colour. And it clashes with the walls.

Ebola: It's only one night, darling. Don't forget who we're doing this for.

Vince: Who?

Anthrax: Howard.

Vince: I'm so sick of hearing about that "emotional cripple"! I've got a lot going for me, y'know. I'm going places. I am someone. I am gonna win my way up that ladder to the sky even if I have to kill to do it. I'll make these pathetic bitches love me.

Ebola and Anthrax share a glance, and both are quite worried.

Vince: I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you. I should be with my people.

Vince strolls out, swinging his hips. The sound of the crowd still chanting "Vince, Vince, we want Vince!" floats in, and the doctors share another glance, this time shocked and furious. Anthrax passes Ebola a handful of pills, and Ebola, smiling craftily, drops them into Vince's cocktail. Outside, the band rush to under the balcony on the gantry, jumping over Neon and Ultra, who have evidently been waiting much longer than they have, desperate to see him. The crowd cheers and Vince waves at them.

Leadsinger: Hey Vince!

Vince looks down and sees the band, with Neon and Ultra pushing through them, and smiles.

Guitarist: Man, you are great!

Vince: Thank you.

Ultra: Vince! I think you're in danger!

The band scoff at her. The bassist shoves her in the arm, and Neon returns the favour by punching him in the face.

Neon: Vince, you need to listen to us!

By now Vince has already lost interest and has gone back to waving at the audience. Ebola comes out and passes him a cocktail.

Ebola: This is Vince. He's a phenomenon.

Vince (singing): _So if you're looking for a standard_

_To which you can aspire,_

_Then baby, look at me!_

_Whooaaaa- ooaaa!_

_Look at me!_

The band and the audience cheer, drowning out the cries of Neon and Ultra, and Vince stumbles, to be caught by Ebola.

Ebola: I think you need a little rest, dear. You've got a very exciting night ahead of you.

She leads him in, and he is already beginning to look weaker.

Ultra (calling after him hopelessly): That cocktail's probably spiked…

* * *

Outside the dressing room, Leroy and Rudi are hanging around pretending to talk on pay phones, listening in on the interviews going on nearby.

Lance: I think the Faith Factory will work out as an exciting new series for us too.

Lester: Not to mention it'll leave Dalston raking in the money.

Monkey: And is it true you've both celebrated this by having matching cosmetic operations?

Leroy (under his breath): What did I tell you?

Lance: You'll have to find out and see. All I will say is that the Faith Factory will unveil a new look which will show off some old faces in an exciting new light.

Leroy (under his breath): Did you hear that, Rudi?

Rudi (under his breath): Yes. And a false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most bloody sunset.

Lester: No, I don't know what Vince's next move'll be, but you can be sure that it all starts right here.

Monkey: Thank you.

Lester and Lance drop their smiles and leave for the dressing room.

Monkey: That was the word from Lester Corncrake and Lance Dior.

Monkey and her crew leave, and Leroy and Rudi remove themselves from hiding.

Leroy: Rudi, what are we gonna do?

Rudi looks at the glowing sign, pointing to the dressing room one way, and the wardrobe room in the other.

Rudi: Would you care to… indulge?

He says the final word as though it is a dirty, guilty pleasure.

Leroy (coyly): Indulge?

Rudi: Yes. In a little masquerade.

They walk off in the direction of the wardrobe.

* * *

The Dalstonvale logo appears.

Voice-over: Dalstonvale. A situation for the stalkers.

Howard is still tied and gagged in his cage, and Tommy Nooka and Mrs Gideon are pacing around, obviously worrying about something.

Gideon: Tommy, what are we going to do?

Tommy: I don't know, G-G… maybe I could wear that big straw hat.

Gideon: No, if anything that just emphasises how big your head really is.

Howard gives a spaced-out groan.

Gideon: It's alright… Howard. Have another sedative.

She pulls a bottle from her handbag, pushes Howard's gag away and pours a fairly large amount of pills into his mouth before replacing the gag. When she speaks again, it is as though she is speaking to a particularly stupid child.

Gideon: We'll miss you on the show tonight.

She leaves the cage and locks it, and she and Tommy head for the exit.

Tommy: What about the white fedora?

Gideon: No, makes you look even more yellow.

When they are gone, Howard groans again. He sees the doors open, and Vince is standing there, smiling, in a hazy red light.

Vince: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

Howard groans, and blinks to see that the door is closed and there is no one there.

* * *

In the dressing room, Vince is in a deep drug-induced sleep, with an empty glass in his hand and a slice of orange on his thigh. Ebola walks past and takes the glass, then picks off the orange slice and pops it into her mouth, spilling a little juice onto Vince's thigh, which she licks off savouringly. In Vince's dream, he is walking through the corridor of Dalstonvale. He opens the door to the Ape of Death's room, where the Ape is sitting up on the side of the bed.

Ape of Death: Face it Vince, Howard's an emotional cripple.

He moves to Anthrax and Ebola's bedroom, where they are sitting on the far side of the bed, looking over their shoulders to him, and dressed in the kimono and corset they wore the night before.

Anthrax: Quite frankly…

Ebola: … he hates you.

They look at each other and laugh cruelly, before Anthrax pushes Ebola down and bears down on her. He moves to another room, which contains a TV with a still image of Harold Boon on the screen.

Boon's voice (from TV): Time's tight, Vince. Do it right, Vince. Until tonight. Vince…

Vince is now sitting in the wheelchair in Howard's cage. He looks up to see the doors open, and Howard is standing there, still in his straightjacket, in the same hazy red light.

Howard: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

In a split second, Vince is now standing at the end of the corridor. He walks forward sexily but unsteadily.

Vince (singing): _I'm on a cul-de-sac_

_And I've gotta go back,_

_So come on feet,_

_We're gonna hit the streets._

_We've got it made._

_I'm lookin' for trade._

As Vince walks past, a side door opens to reveal Howard, straightjacketed, in his cage.

Howard (singing): _I'm lookin' for love!_

The doors close.

Vince (singing): _I'm lookin' for trade._

He turns a corner into another corridor.

Vince (singing): _I need some young blood,_

_I need some young blood,_

_I need it now._

_I need some young blood,_

_I need some young blood._

Another door opens to reveal Neon and Ultra, dressed in slashed versions of the faux-snakeskin top that Mrs Gideon found for Vince, wearing them as dresses without trousers, with black and red makeup. The band, dressed in white fifties-style suits, stand behind them.

Neon/ Ultra (singing): _And we're gonna get it somehow._

Vince walks around them as the band plays pool, and Neon and Ultra stand around glaring evilly at them.

Vince (singing): _I'm on a dead-end street._

_I'm like a dog in heat._

_I'm like a kid with no toys,_

_I wanna get those boys._

_Oh, I can't be delayed._

_I'm lookin' for trade._

Vince steps back out through the doors, and behind him Howard is now lying on the pool table, helpless in his straightjacket.

Howard (singing): _I'm lookin' for love!_

The doors close.

Vince (singing): _I'm lookin' for trade._

Neon an Ultra are now in Anthrax and Ebola's office, which is filled with arcade games. They are playing the old Rocky Horror computer game on one.

Neon (singing): _Oh, we're all living like there's no tomorrow._

Ultra (singing): _And the way things are going, that's probably true._

Neon (singing): _But without you and me, sis,_

_The world'd fall to pieces._

Vince appears in front of them.

Vince (singing): _Buena cava, who's the raver?_

Neon/ Ultra (singing): _Our raving saviour, that's you._

Vince leaves, and is now standing in front of the door to the Terminal ward.

Vince (singing): _I'm on the primrose path._

_I'm lookin' for a laugh._

_Remember, it's no fun_

_To be the chosen one._

_There are games to be played_

_Lookin' for trade._

As he walks down the corridor, another door opens to reveal Howard in his wheelchair in the bathroom.

Howard (singing): _I'm lookin' for love!_

The doors close.

Vince (singing): _I'm lookin' for trade._

He exits to the alley set, where Neon, Ultra and the band are leaning against the walls, like characters in an old gangster film.

Vince (singing): _I need some_

Vince/ Neon/ Ultra (singing): _Young blood!_

Vince (singing): _I_ _need some_

Vince/ Neon/ Ultra (singing): _Young blood!_

Vince (singing): _I need it now._

Vince (singing): _I need some_

Vince/ Neon/ Ultra (singing): _Young blood!_

Vince (singing): _I need some_

Vince/ Neon/ Ultra (singing): _Young blood!_

Vince (singing): _And I'm gonna get it somehow._

_I'm lookin' for trade!_

He drops, and is suddenly aware of Ebola's face looming over him.

Ebola: Vince. Vince. Wake up, darling. You've got guests.

Vince comes to, and realises he is still lying where he passed out on the sofa.

Ebola: You can come in now!

The band rush in and stand over him, grinning.

Leadsinger: Hi Vince!

Vince: Who are you?

Guitarist: We're your band.

Vince: Do you have any friends?

Leadsinger: Sure.

Vince: You won't have soon.

He drops into a dead faint.


	4. Some People Do It For Enslavement

The final exciting conclusion. I always did intend to finish this in theory, though in practice, it almost never happened. The gorgeous Jamie convinced me that this fic was not awful, like I'd convinced myself it was, and asked me to finish it. So I did.

So the final chapter is dedicated to you with all my love and goth juice, huni. And I know you like long chapters, and this one came to 20 pages on Word.

But yeah, the entire thing came to over 60 pages, which is kind of ridiculous, really. And if I were to have started writing it now rather than when I did, there'd be a lot of things I'd do differently. Like I'd scrap the entire mental health theme and replace it with the sexual theme, because it just makes more sense in context. And I think Lester is too much of a villain- I don't think he'd ever knowingly do anything that would seriously harm Howard, so in this chapter I've tried to present him more as an unknowing fool. Which, yes, is a justification for more lighthearted blind jokes.

I'm quite pleased with my filk of 'Breaking Out', though less so with the one of 'Look What I Did to My Id'. I decided not to rewrite the ending song, though it does seem a bit cop-outish. But to be totally honest, I don't think I could have come up with anything that would have worked better. 'Duel Duet' is the greatest duet in the history of the world ever and even fits the relationship between the two characters singing it, so I didn't need to filk that.

I very much enjoyed searching through a list of terminal diseases for Anthrax and Ebola's aliases... I don't know what that says about me. Eleanor's very earnest speech was interesting to write as well, though I was worried about her appearing OOC because of it. And I've kind of fallen in love with the image of Neon and Ultra as these kind of lords of misrule. Right, I think I've gone on long enough...

Blah blah blah; I own nothing; Richard O'Brien is still beautiful.

The lines Ebola recites are taken from 'She Walks In Beauty' by Lord Byron. Lester briefly references the song 'Introducing the Band' by Suede.

If you haven't been put off by my characteristic waffling, enjoy. Hopefully.

* * *

Leroy and Rudi creep through the wardrobe room, avoiding the eyes of the Wardrobe Mistress. When they are certain they are out of her sight, they emerge from the shelves and dig out a spare doctor's uniform and a bloodied hospital gown. Rudi fits a head mirror, squashing his afro in at the middle. Leroy dons the bloody gown, which complements his facial bandages very fetchingly.

Rudi: Hurry, my Leroy. It is of the utmost importance that we rescue Vince from Boon's fast fingers and Howard from that hellhole of a hospital before they both disappear forever.

Leroy: I don't mind telling you, Rudi, but I am not looking forward to this. I've never been so nervous about a mission in my life.

Rudi: Even the best spies must feel humility in overwhelming situations. It is this that keeps us human. What I am wondering is where I have heard those names before. Anthrax and Ebola… they seem familiar to me.

Leroy: They're both horrible life threatening diseases, which can disfigure and eventually bleed you dry. That sounds pretty accurate.

Rudi: Diseases… that must be it…

* * *

In his surveillance office behind the 'Pad of Pop Culture' sign, Harold Boon surveys the studio as the Wardrobe Mistress dresses him in a white jacket, with Graham standing obliviously by.

Wardrobe Mistress: Is there a lady you're in such a hurry to see, Mr Boon?

Graham: I think you'll find it's a man.

Boon: I do have… a date.

Wardrobe Mistress: Oh really? Who with?

Boon turns dramatically to face us.

Boon: The past.

* * *

In the wardrobe room, the doctors and nurses, Vince's stalkers, Lester and Lance are dressing themselves in parody medical uniforms, which seem to be inspired far more by fetish than by function. The doctors' outfits are black, decorated with silver bands and silver medical paraphernalia, particularly scalpels and hypodermic needles, but other that this, they have very little medical relevance. Anthrax's costume consists of a black tuxedo jacket with black ruffled shirt, an open-fronted skirt and boots with four-inch stack heels. Ebola's consists of a knee-length dress with a plunge neckline, complemented by fingerless gloves, several wide belts and a PVC collar, with high-heeled Mary-Janes. The other characters' costumes are white and figure-revealing, featuring red belts and bands, a minimal amount of medical-themed accessories, and very short skirts for the women.

Gideon (singing): _Like a virgin with an urgin' in a surgery,  
__I'll be swinging I'll be bringing out the nurse in me._

Tommy (singing): _The art will start as I play my part  
__As a healer that will steal your heart._

Gideon/Tommy (singing): _Oh look what I did to my id.  
__Oh look what I did to my id._

In the next aisle, Anthrax and Ebola are putting the finishing touches to their costumes. Anthrax is loading up a few hypodermics while Ebola tightens her gloves.

Anthrax (singing): _With the medical-sexual fusion,_

Ebola (singing): _With the whiplash in your hand,_

Anthrax (singing): _Eliminate confusion_

Anthrax/Ebola (singing): _And fuck till you can no longer stand._

In the next aisle, Lance's outfit makes him look more than a little like a prostitute, while Lester poses behind him, unknowingly resembling his pimp.

Lance (singing): _Like a bad bad boy I'm gonna try some new things._

Lester (singing): _This could be the start of a whole new career._

Lance (singing): _I've_ _got a hot new style that'll bring the crowds in._

Lester (singing): _This_ _could take us to a town that's nowhere near here._

In the final aisle, Diva rips away her skirt to reveal white PVC hotpants, the only thing that could possibly make her outfit any sluttier. Johnny Two-Hats is, of course, wearing at least four caps.

Diva (singing): _I've_ _got some hot flush symptoms and I'm feeling sneaky._

Johnny (singing): _Young_ _male intern, tall and handsome._

Diva (singing): _I've_ _got my hems so high they'll say I'm being cheeky._

Johnny (singing): _With_ _legs like mine, I'm really made for dancing._

He does a stylish high kick, managing to catch a mirror, which flies out of the aisle and smashes over Lester's head. Lester carries on obliviously as each person descends on a mirror, creating a corridor with people on one side and mirrors on the other as everyone checks their appearance, with the exception of Lester, who is unaware that his mirror is not only broken, but facing the wrong way. Anthrax and Ebola appear at the head of the line and descend down it, performing a heavily sexualised mockery of a ballroom dance.

Anthrax/ Ebola (singing): _When the blood is in the bedroom,  
Monkey Hell is in control!  
The doctors bring the violence  
And the Monkey Devil brings the rock and roll!_

Gideon/Tommy/Lance/Lester/Diva/Johnny (singing): _We may look like badly-paid sex workers,  
__But we're kinky 'nough to rival Doctor Furter  
__Oh look what I did to my id, id…  
__Oh look what I did to my id!_

* * *

In the dressing room, Anthrax is softly massaging Vince's shoulders while Ebola and two members of the band stand by.

Vince: Mmmnn… I still miss Howard.

Ebola: Baby, he's an emotional cripple, remember? And even he wouldn't like to see you like this.

The sound of a skirmish arises from outside, and Lester is thrust into the room, followed by Monkey and her crew, whom Lester blindly attempts to keep outside.

Monkey: Lester, please, I know you are a reasonable man. I need an interview with him, and if I don't get it before the show, there will be trouble for me!

Lester: I don't think he's too well now, Miss, so please, leave him alone a while!

Monkey: Lester Corncrake!

Having managed to push her away and close the door, Lester turns to the doctors.

Lester: Is he doing okay? Harold Boon wants him any second.

Ebola: He'll only be a few moments.

Lester: Hey, you, band- go out there and work yourselves up a reputation. Don't let us down now, y'hear!

Lester pushes his way out through the door, tripping over Monkey and falling down the stairs. Outside, the crowd can be heard to be singing.

Audience: Why are we waiting?  
'Cause we're suffocating!

When Lester has gone, the leadsinger of the band presses an ecstasy tablet into Vince's hand.

Leadsinger: This is for you Vince.

Guitarist: It'll pep you up really good.

Leadsinger: Yeah!

They leave. Ebola scornfully plucks the pill from Vince's hand and tosses it away.

Ebola: Fucking amateurs.

She removes a handful of pills from her own pocket and drops them down Vince's throat.

* * *

Outside by the gantries, the Stage Manager is berating the bored-looking Neon and Ultra.

Stage Manager: Just do your jobs! Raise the morale! Get out there, be good little cheerleaders, and stop those people whining about their beloved star attraction taking too long over his makeup! Is that too difficult for you?

They don't reply, and just glare daggers at him. He becomes slightly nervous.

Stage Manager: Please…

He leaves. Neon and Ultra talk in low voices.

Ultra: This is fucking degrading.

Neon: If Vincey-boy wasn't in so much trouble, we'd be out. You know we would.

Ultra: It's turning us into sell-outs. Have you seen what they want us to do later? If we wind up like that corporate twat Johnny Two-Hats…

Neon grabs her by the neck of her top.

Neon: We will _not_ wind up like Two-Hats.

The Stage Manager yells up from beneath the gantry.

Stage Manager: I don't hear cheering!

They sigh, give each other a meaningful look, and then flip the V on both hands to the audience.

Neon/Ultra: _Give us a V!_

They switch the V's to the middle finger.

Neon/Ultra: _Give us an I!_

The Stage Manager comes running to clear them away, and while he is distracted, Leroy sneaks past him into his old research lab, picking the lock with a hairpin that serves no other apparent purpose. He leans down to his computer database and rapidly searches for the doctor's names, then gasps in horror at the text on the screen:

_Anthrax Bacillus and Ebola Virus._

_Operating under alias: Hepatitis B. Chronic and Meningitis Meningococcal, Chagas Disease and Malaria Plasmodium, __Gerstmann–Sträussler–Scheinker Syndrome__ and Kuru Prion__, Alpers Huttenlocher and Insomnia Fatal-Familial._

_Origin unknown._

_First sighted Transylvania, then Hungary, Turkey, Algeria, Colombia, Pennsylvania, followed by several years unexplained disappearance._

_Current location: Dalston, London, UK._

Leroy, whose spy training has evidently given him considerable skill at reading between the lines, falls back in shock.

Leroy: Oh my god… black widows!

* * *

On the main soundstage, Rudi is skulking around, looking like the least inconspicuous fake doctor in existence, still with his purple robes underneath his white coat. As the tannoy system announces that the studio band will soon be ready to perform, he sneaks round to the research lab door.

* * *

Inside, Leroy is still typing.

_Harold Boon._

_See Howard Moon- microfilm DM 0498._

* * *

In the gantries, amongst the audience, Monkey is reporting to camera. Her body is out of view, and only her face is visible.

Monkey: So if you are a fan of the exotic, there are plenty of exciting new fashions to keep you enthralled. So naturally, feeling the excitement, and not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb, I had to try a little experiment of my own. And this is it.

She stands, revealing that she is wearing nothing but a sheer black bodystocking. She poses for the camera with a somewhat forced smile, her beautiful, and very visible, body drawing amazed stares and rapturous applause from the crowd.

* * *

In the research lab, Leroy is looking through the microfilm records of the Dalston Mirror. When he finally finds slide 0498, he staggers back, hand over his mouth in shock.

* * *

Out on the main soundstage, Lester is announcing the band, his fingers flying over a Braille set-list.

Lester: And now, to warm y'all up for the Faith Factory, DTV is proud to present… with a… "nu metelectro happy power punk" sound… Dalston's own… _'It's Bad For Me, Fandom'_!

The Stage Manager runs up to whisper in his ear.

Lester: Excuse me, that's _'Alchemy Random'_!

The Stage Manager leads him off.

Lester: Y'see, I don't read that Braille stuff too good.

The crowd screams as the band jump around, dressed in their own vaguely medical-themed pop-punk-style black and white costumes. Neon and Ultra stand in the background behind them, looking bored and rather venomous, dressed in nurses' uniforms which they have creatively customised with bloodstains, the authenticity, or rather the lack thereof, of which is debatable, and accessorised with some very non-surgical-looking knives and blunt weapons, and, in Neon's case, a fairly large mace. The leadsinger takes a deep breath, as the band begin to play a fun, upbeat sound.

Leadsinger (singing): _I know what it's like  
__To be thought a showbiz bike;  
__I've been ridden down too many times.  
__But if I make my escape now  
__Then maybe somehow  
__You'll see how like smoke in the steam  
__I'm not quote what I seem._

* * *

Rudi bursts into the Terminal ward dressed as a doctor, scaring Howard absolutely shitless, before Leroy, dressed as his bloodied patient, dives in behind him, and Howard sinks back into his wheelchair in relief. Rudi brandishes the set of keys he's stolen, and sets to work on the lock.

* * *

Back on the soundstage, the doctors' entourage sit stony-faced, doing their best to ignore the band, while Neon and Ultra share a mildly curious look as they jerk their limbs in a bored parody of dancing.

Leadsinger (singing): _But for my whole life I've been ridden  
__And in love with something forbidden,  
__And if you ask me how I live it,  
__Well it's not fun being the wrong thing, against what everyone's about,  
__But I'm_

Neon/Ultra (singing, or at least talking in tune):_ Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da_

Leadsinger (singing): _Breaking out._

* * *

In the Terminal ward, Rudi is failing in his attempt to unlock Howard's cage. He pulls key after mystical key from the door in his head, but grimaces in frustration as none work.

* * *

On the main soundstage, the band are performing with the utmost effort, but the doctors' entourage remain unimpressed.

Leadsinger (singing): _You wonder why I can't stand  
__To play to your hand  
__But I've seen what that's caused before.  
__I'd be buried alive,  
__Unable to survive,  
__So I'll stand up and resist  
__Instead of playing to your whims._

* * *

In the dressing room, the doctors put the finishing touches onto Vince's appearance, fawning over him while he sits, drugged and blank-faced.

* * *

In the Terminal ward, Leroy pushes Rudi aside and jams his inexplicable hairpin into the lock, causing the door to spring open immediately. They rush in and help the straitjacketed Howard to his feet.

* * *

On the soundstage, the band are sweating with effort, and Neon and Ultra appear to be somewhat, though by no means excessively, animated. The audience are on their feet and dancing, though the doctors' entourage remain unimpressed.

Leadsinger (singing): _But for my whole life I've been ridden  
__And in love with something forbidden,  
__And if you ask me how I live it,  
__Well it's not fun being the wrong thing, against what everyone's about,  
__But I'm_

Neon/Ultra (singing):_ Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da_

Leadsinger (singing): _Breaking out._

* * *

Leroy and Rudi each put one arm around Howard to carry him between them.

Howard: Where are we going?

Leroy: To a family reunion.

* * *

As the band finish their song, they are all exhausted. The leadsinger sings a little breathlessly, but carries on putting in maximum effort as the audience join in.

Leadsinger/Audience (singing): _Breaking out.  
__Breaking out._

Neon and Ultra share a slight smile and join in with what some people might describe as 'vigour'.

Leadsinger/Neon/Ultra/Audience (singing): _Breaking out.  
__Breaking out._

The leadsinger, by now absolutely shattered, grins in amazement as the crowd cheer. He takes a look behind him, and Ultra offers him a smile, with a hint of surprise, and something that isn't quite respect or admiration, but is a hell of a lot closer than anyone else is going to get from her.

* * *

Harold Boon is speaking at a press conference, sitting around a table with Anthrax, Ebola, the Ape of Death, Lester and Lance. Monkey, attempting to look as confident as she can in her bodystocking, and her crew are standing by.

Boon: Vince represents everything our customers want; beauty, sexual freedom, voraciousness, and the illusion of a happy ending.

The others all applaud, and he sits back smugly.

Boon: Behind his accessible transgender image, takeaway sex therapy will thrive, in the capable hands, extensive experience and _creative_ ethics of two of the greatest expanders of the sexual frontiers in generations; Anthrax Bacillus and Ebola Virus.

Lester, Lance and the Ape applaud while Anthrax and Ebola brush off their compliments with affected modesty, and the Ape of Death leans over to lingeringly kiss Ebola's hand.

Boon: And all of this will take place under the guidance of one of the great survivors of this world and the next; a simian who has not only literally been to hell and back, bit is the ruler of Monkey Hell itself, the one and only Ape of Death.

The rest of the table applaud again, while the Ape shows off all of his pointed yellow teeth in a large and frightening grin.

Boon: Right, let's get this show on!

The others at the table rise excitedly to make their final preparations. Monkey rushes around the table with her crew behind her and grabs onto Boon's arm.

Monkey: Mr Boon, may I trouble you for a moment of your time.

Boon looks her up and down with a hungry expression on his face.

Boon: Of course you can.

She kneels next to him as her camera crew position themselves, and Boon's eyes immediately drift to her chest, before straying a little lower.

Monkey: Mr Boon, the rumour in the studio tonight is that you plan to unveil more than just a new series. Is this true.

Boon: That is absolutely correct.

Monkey: Can you tell us any more about it.

Boon: All I'll say is that we plan to bring sexual satisfaction back to our viewers' bedrooms, and anywhere else they might choose to express it.

Monkey: And how does local starlet Vince Noir-Moon fit into this?

Boon becomes distracted from Monkey's very visible chest as Vince enters the room, impeccable makeup covering his blank and soulless face.

Boon: Beautifully…

Vince's eyes fix on Boon, and a hint of confusion draws across his face.

Vince: Howard?

* * *

Leroy and Rudi drag Howard through the maze of corridors in the Dalstonvale set, as Howard gradually manages to get to his feet and run almost without help. They swing around corners, finding dead end after dead end, following every lead they can find.

Leroy: He's resented you for all this time. You were able to achieve everything he was denied.

Howard: Yes… I get it…

They run on, finding themselves back at the Terminal ward. They turn back and keep running. Howard falls, and Rudi and Leroy drag him to his feet and continue to haul him through the maze of corridors.

* * *

The doctors, the Ape of Death and Harold Boon have returned to the soundstage, where the band have cleared the stage and are standing just off to one side. Everything is in position for the beginning of the show

Tannoy: And now in a DTV exclusive, the Faith Factory!

Lester steps up to a podium in the centre of the soundstage.

Lester: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome- with the love of a woman and the touch of a man, or possibly the other way round- the apparently beautiful Vince Noir-Moon!

A red curtain opens, and Vince steps out from behind it, wearing a beautiful glittering white dress, identical in design to his black one, the blank expression on his face shadowed by a large red hat. The audience rise from their seats and applaud in absolute euphoria as he walks slowly and steadily forward, head bowed. Meanwhile, Ebola steps up to the podium, pushing Lester back.

Ebola: Isn't he beautiful?

Gideon: I love you like a mama, baby!

Ebola: He walks in beauty like the night  
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,  
And all that's best and dark and bright  
Meet in his aspect and his eyes.

Tommy: We made you who you are! Knock 'em dead boy! Or girl!

Gideon: We love you!

Ebola: We all love Vince.

She leers at the crowd over the microphone.

Ebola: Who do we love?

Audience: Vince! Vince!

Ebola smirks as the audience goes wild.

Ebola: Vince's dress has been given by TransAstonish of Soho, outfitters of high class ladies, gentlemen and everything in between. The dress is individually tailored to the masculine contours of Vince's body to achieve a more graceful feminine appearance, and it comes with softly ribbed boning for nipple stimulation and a tight leotard bodice to keep control of any, ahem, unwanted protrusions, all wired up to a quiet electrical vibration system for discrete self-satisfaction in any situation. He is also using a small sleek-contoured butt plug, one of the many gifts generously given to him by the Beauty Toys chain, perfect for light stimulation without detection.

The crowd, their eyes wide and their faces rapturously blank, applaud. Ebola bows and steps down, and Lester again returns to the podium with his Braille set list.

Lester: Ladies and gentlemen… the Queen!

The crowd gasps in unison, some looking about them wildly, others hurriedly fixing their hair or makeup, and a few younger, more punkily-dressed members rolling their eyes or scowling scornfully. The red curtain opens, and the crowd leans forward in anticipation, only to sit back again groaning when the person who steps out is a large lady, wearing heavy makeup and a bright, if slightly unflattering dress, with a rather masculine air about her build. The Stage Manager, with a written set list, sneaks up to Lester to whisper to him again.

Stage Manager: Lester, it's not "the Queen"; it's "a drag queen". This is Eleanor.

Lester: Oh… sorry.

The Stage Manager guides him backwards, as Eleanor is standing next to them, ready to take the podium.

Eleanor: Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… Hello. I'm Eleanor. But I wasn't always Eleanor, as I think you can probably tell. No, once upon a time, my name was Bruno.

Seated behind her, Tommy Nooka gasps loudly, in very noticeable shock. Eleanor, not seeing this, reaches down her dress and, smiling at the crowd, pulls a crumpled piece of paper from her cleavage and smoothes it out on the top of the podium, before reading from it.

Eleanor: The first Sexual Revolution released us from a tight social grip and lifted the taboos against such things as premarital sex, contraception, multiple partners, pornography and sexual kinks; all my hobbies.

She smiles and pauses for laughter, and begins to blush a little when none follows.

Eleanor: It also led to the relaxing of gender roles and the decriminalisation of homosexuality. It allowed people to finally be honest about themselves, their desires and their _needs_. It allowed them to truly understand their own bodies. And these bodies are bodies that we, now, are still coming to understand. Here, in the second Sexual Revolution, we are about to come to understand even more about not only sex, but identity. The barriers between the sexes are coming down. And that is why I, on behalf of the trans community, would like to show my gratitude to those spearheading this Revolution for creating a mainstream cross-gender icon that all of us, from pangenders and cross-dressers like the man in the dress behind me, to those of us who have crossed that line and changed our sex entirely, can look up to. Thank you for not presenting us as freaks to a baying crowd! Thank you for not dismissing us as confused, or mentally disordered! Thank you for letting me stand up and say_ I AM A WOMAN!_

As Eleanor bellows her last line, sets her legs wide, spreads out her arms and throws back her head. When she finishes her speech, she is breathing heavily into the microphone. The audience, on the other hand, just sit with blank confusion on their faces. A few people clap nervously. Behind her, the doctors and their entourage look a little embarrassed, and Tommy Nooka has fallen backwards into a dead faint. A red-faced Stage Manager is whispering to Lester to get her off the soundstage.

Lester: Wasn't she the one who bought Vince that car over there?

As soon as the word "car" slips out, a huge spotlight falls on a new Mini Cooper Convertible panted in white and red, and a very loud and rather annoying jingle blasts from the tannoy.

Stage Manager: Yes she did.

The Stage Manager shoves Lester straight into Eleanor, knocking him onto the podium and her right off the stage. She is about to leave, when Anthrax darts down behind her and steals the keys right out of her pocket. Lance comes to join Lester at the podium.

Lance (sarcastically): Well _that_ was interesting.

Lester (earnestly): I thought it was interesting.

Lance: Now, here's someone we _do_ want to hear from- someone we've all seen, loved and laughed at- um, _with!_- since he first arrived on our screens: the extraordinarily kinky, and now really quite gorgeous Ape of Death!

The Ape of Death, now sporting an enormous head of blowdried, backcombed, miracle waxed and finishing gelled glam rock hair, dives onto the soundstage in all his monkey devilish, daredevil rock star-ish, hardcore-erotic torturemaster-ish best, showing off to the cameras as manic applause erupts around him, and bounds up to the podium.

Woman in audience: APE! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

Ape of Death: Hoopla Dalston!

Audience: Hoopla!

Ape of Death: Vince Noir made me gorgeous!

Lance: I really think you should give the hair and makeup team _some_ credit.

Ape of Death: My beauty is a gift, given to me, and to you, through Vince, by one man. Let's hear it for…

Audience: HAROLD BOON!

Lance: And hair and makeup.

Lance is drowned out as suave guitar music blares from the tannoy, and Boon, looking impeccable in a blinding white suit, strides out from the red curtains onto the soundstage and up to the podium.

Boon: My friends. And you are all my friends. Tonight, like the… _beautiful_ lady who spoke earlier said, we are about to take the first step of defiance. We are about to create something that will grow so big, and to use again that… _radiant_ woman's words, a new revolution, that soon enough the entire world will be following. And wherever our slogan- 'Vanity, Sanity and Sex'- is heard, it will be linked, forever, with this night, this town, this TV station…

He walks over to where Vince is standing, still and blank-faced, and takes his hand, as the giant image of Vince's face looms on the wall behind them.

Boon: … and this beautiful face.

The crowd breaks into thunderous applause.

* * *

Howard, Leroy and Rudi become more and more frantic as they run faster and faster through the corridors, the tormenting sounds of applause seeping through the padded walls. They find themselves in a dead end, with no way out, and, overcome with frustration, Howard gives up, and runs blindly at a white wall.

* * *

On the soundstage, the audience is still applauding deafeningly as Boon stands and adoringly strokes Vince's hand.

Lance: He's not _that_ good.

As the applause thunders on, a body suddenly tears through the enormous image of Harold Boon's face, knocking Boon himself to the ground. The audience's applause turns to shrieks, the doctors glare furiously and their entourage jump back in shock. The commotion is even enough to break Vince from his drugged and distracted reverie. Boon shoves the body aside and gets up, pushing it down to the floor. He looks down, and sees that it is Howard.

Howard: Seducer!

Boon: And who are you, sir?

Howard: Your twin brother and your accuser!

Everyone in the room stops dead, some gasping, and some just staring in disbelief.

Vince: Howard…

Anthrax storms up to the podium, savagely shoving her way through everyone standing before her.

Anthrax: Arrest that man! He's _ours_! Ahem, he's in our… care.

Graham makes a move forward onto the soundstage. But, as he does so, Vince takes a step forwards.

Vince: I never signed your contract.

He smiles weakly.

Vince: He's not going anywhere.

Rudi and Leroy have appeared at the hole in the set where Howard broke through.

Rudi: To revenge your twin, you tried to abuse Vince.

Boon: That is ridiculous! You're forcing me to refuse him.

Howard: So why did you choose him?

Boon: Because of you, _sir_.

Howard manages to struggle to his feet despite his straightjacket, then looks Boon up and down.

Howard (singing): _You're a loser,  
__An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man._

Boon sneers in response and begins to advance on him.

Boon (singing): _And you're a blind alley cruiser,  
__Always heading down a losing straight,  
__Dreaming that you're screaming at fate.  
__You're a dead-end, deadbeat nowhere mister  
__With a kisser like a Mississippi alligator's sister.  
__I've had enough of you as any man can!_

Howard backs away a little but stays firm under the pressure of Boon's furious gaze.

Howard (singing): _You lost your heart! You lost your cause!_

Boon (singing): _And you lost your baby when you lost your balls!  
__You've lost your mind, you've lost your grip,  
__So say bye-bye!_

Howard (singing): _We lost our mum, we lost our dad,  
__And if I'm losing you, well that's too bad._

Boon (singing): _Well the best thing you could ever do is die!_

Boon turns his back on Howard, fishing a cigar from his pocket and lighting it.

Howard (singing): _You're a failure,  
__A malformation in the guise of many an also-ran._

Boon stops sharply, a brief but noticeable look of shock and horror on his face. His voice has a slight weakness to it, before it recovers its usual strength and malice.

Boon (singing): _And you're a weeper and a wailer!  
__Always treading on the toes of the great,  
__Generally spreading your weight._

Howard now advances on Boon, spitting in disgust, and Boon steps back, trying his best to hide his nervousness.

Howard (singing): _You're a spiteful, hateful, asinine creature,  
__A pupil with no scruples who knew better than the teacher.  
__I've had enough of you as any man can._

Boon now seems a little shaken, and there is a tremble in his voice.

Boon (singing): _You lost your heart!_

Howard (singing): _You lost your cause._

Boon's nervousness turns to desperation. His hand shakes and he drops his cigar, causing him to twitch in strong agitation. He tries to maintain his malevolent dignity, but it is clear to see that he is panicking.

Boon (singing): _And you lost your baby when you lost your balls!  
__You've lost your mind, you've lost your grip,  
__So say bye-bye!_

Howard's voice softens, and he steps forward and attempts to take Boon by the shoulders, but due to his straightjacket, all he can really do is lean on him.

Howard (singing): _We lost our home, our family.  
__You lost compassion, now you're losing me!_

Boon scowls and shoves him back to the floor.

Boon (singing): _Well the best thing you could ever do is die!_

Howard (singing): _Well the best thing you could ever do is die!_

Howard/Boon (singing): _Well the best thing you could ever do is DIE!_

There is a moment of tense silence, before Boon seems to jump, and pleas to the audience.

Boon: Take no notice of him! He's mad! Insane! Doolally-tap!

Howard: I'm as sane as you are.

This generates some discussion in the audience, as they lean together in groups, picking out every flaw in Boon's veneer, wondering if Howard just might be right.

Howard: Saner!

Ebola leans into the microphone, perfectly blank-faced and deadpan.

Ebola: And he was only with us for one day.

The audience erupts into relieved, if still a little nervous, laughter. At the side of the stage, where the band have been pushed off, Neon rolls her eyes and leans in to Ultra.

Neon: Christ almighty, fifty-nine pages to describe one day. Whoever's writing this has too much fucking time on her hands.

Ultra: I know. An eighty-eight-minute movie I could handle, but this is just getting ridiculous.

Back on the main stage, the Ape of Death mutters to himself.

Ape of Death: She should be thrown into the fiery pit to burn for all eternity for that joke.

Lester: What's that?

The Ape smiles nervously.

Ape of Death: Oh nothing… just a little fantasy.

Lester looks noticeably terrified. Lance pushes his way up to the podium, pointedly jabbing both Anthrax and Ebola in the sides, eliciting murderous looks.

Lance: Mr Boon, I hope you'll accept the apologies of all at DTV for this unfortunate incident. It seems that everybody wants to be related to the great.

The crowd cheers and applauds again. Boon gives an oily smile and steps up next to Lance.

Boon: There is no need to apologise at all. This incident is far from unfortunate. In fact, I couldn't have asked for anything better to happen. This, my friends, is a perfect example of exactly what we are here to combat and destroy!

The crowd's applause becomes louder and louder, and Boon stares triumphantly at Vince. Vince looks down to where Howard is still lying on the floor, and they meet eyes and smile. Vince kneels down and picks him up, then stares back at Boon with a smile equally triumphant, equally smug, and equally spiteful. Boon stares in complete silence for a moment, before raising a finger to point at them.

Boon: Out.

He pauses again, then repeats himself in a louder, stronger voice.

Boon: Out! Out!

Lance, the Ape of Death, Diva and Johnny Two-Hats join in enthusiastically, and a few members of the audience chime in with them. Caught up in the atmosphere, Tommy joins them, followed by Gideon and, eventually, Lester. The room is filled solely with the deafening sound of thousands of voices chanting a malicious chorus of "Out! Out! Out! Out!" Graham, joining in the chanting himself, pushes them over to Leroy's old research lab. Neon and Ultra watch from the sides, then begin to march offstage. The band watch them in curiosity, and Neon and Ultra look back with expressions of threatening expectation, leading the band to follow them.

Boon: Did you see that! The way we got rid of that dirt is how we're going to put the rest of ourselves back in order! Upstairs _and_ downstairs!

The room explodes in cheering.

Boon: You there, Lance Dior. Come up here and help me inaugurate the Faith Factory.

Lance: Right you are.

He stands next to Boon on the podium and smiles out at the crowd, basking in his own glory. In front of the gantry, Monkey seethes in frustration and rage.

Boon: Lance Dior, everyone!

Over at the research lab, Vince breaks free from Graham's grip and gives Lance the finger.

Vince: You can fucking have him!

Graham shoves him inside the research lab with the others and locks the door.

Still seated on the soundstage, Mrs Gideon is crying as she applauds.

Gideon: He let me down. He let us all down!

Tommy: Shut up, G-G. Listen to someone who's _really_ worth all those hours of spying, searching, following and reading Heat magazine!

Anthrax and Ebola are clapping in a manner as deadpan as they can possibly muster.

Ebola: Well, at least it's better than running a kink clinic for the terminally boring.

Anthrax: Yes. At least now we've got a… Mini Cooper.

Ebola grimaces.

Boon: Just remember that beauty today is the way forward into a perfect tomorrow!

He grabs Lance Dior by the hair and kisses him roughly, almost savagely. The Ape of Death pokes Lester in the side and points, but Lester just looks confused.

Boon: Now… follow us to Dalstonvale!

Audience: _DALSTONVALE!_

The audience gets up and runs through the studio, clamouring to be let into the Dalstonvale set. Boon pushes Lance away.

Boon: Right, they fell for it, let me get out of here.

He parades down to the door leading to the Dalstonvale set and opens it, letting the mass of people surge through as the doctors and their entourage throw straightjackets into the crowd. Meanwhile, Monkey makes her last broadcast.

Monkey: The identity drug giant Mr Harold Boon has just given an official kiss of approval to the new star of the 'Vanity, Sanity and Sex' movement. And the crowd… they love it…

Graham leaves his post at the research lab door to join them. Excited, Monkey's crew run after him and are lost in the crowd. Monkey, now alone, retreats up the gantry steps, and, half way up, curls up, tears streaming down her face as she closes her limbs around her cold and all-too visible body.

* * *

Inside the research lab, Vince smiles and melts into Howard's arms.

Howard (singing): _Some people do it for compassion._

Vince (singing): _Some people do it for the fashion._

He takes off his wide-brimmed hat and puts it wonkily onto Howard's head, making the both of them giggle.

Howard (singing): _Some people do it to be funny._

Vince (singing): _Some people do it for the money._

Rudi steps behind Howard and cuts him out of his straightjacket.

Rudi (singing): _Some people do it for enslavement._

Leroy once again picks the lock with his omnipresent hairpin, and turns to the others, grinning wickedly.

Leroy (singing): _And some people do it on the pavement.  
__But…_

The four of them rush out of the Research Lab, dancing manically around the studio and in the audience's abandoned seats.

Howard/Vince/Rudi/Leroy (singing): _We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it no matter how the wind is blowing.  
__We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it, we just gotta keep going._

Vince/Howard (singing): _Some people do it for each other._

Rudi/Leroy (singing): _Some people do it for their lover._

Vince/Howard (singing): _Some people do it for improvement._

Rudi/Leroy (singing): _Some_ _people do it for the movement._

Vince/Howard (singing): _Some people do it for enjoyment._

Rudi/Leroy (singing): _And some people do it for employment!  
__But…_

They dance over in the direction of the Mini Cooper Convertible, still left exactly where it was displayed.

Howard/Vince/Rudi/Leroy (singing): _We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it no matter how the wind is blowing._

Neon, Ultra and the band emerge from various places hidden off the soundstage and converge on the car.

Howard/Vince/Rudi/Leroy/band (singing): _We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it, we just gotta keep going._

* * *

In the Dalstonvale office, Anthrax, Ebola, the Ape of Death, Harold Boon, the Stage Manager, Graham, Lance Dior, Lester, Mrs Gideon, Tommy Nooka, Pete and the Wardrobe Mistress are knocking back tequila and looking at a collection of kinky toys, while the crowd surges in the corridors.

Audience (singing): _Dalston, Dalston, you're where life is full-on,  
__You're the gold streets where only tramps drown.  
__Dalston, Dalston, you're a place to halt on,  
__You're the acceptable face  
__Of the human race,  
__You're Dalston where the rave goes down._

With the audience locked outside, the others begin to tear the office apart in a manic orgy.

* * *

Back on the soundstage, Neon and Ultra are co-ordinating the band to open the studio doors, and have, quite miraculously, started to join in with the song.

Howard/Vince/Rudi/Leroy/Neon/Ultra/band (singing): _We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it no matter how the wind is blowing._

Howard and Vince are sitting in the front seat of the car as Leroy starts it up by messing around under the bonnet with his hairpin. As the engine revs up, he flashes a smug grin to Rudi, who has presumably told him this is impossible. Neon, Ultra and the band dive into, or in most cases, onto the car, and they drive away through the studio doors, into the empty darkness.

Howard/Vince/Rudi/Leroy/Neon/Ultra/band (singing): _We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it anyhow, anyhow,  
__We're gonna do it, we just gotta keep going._

_We just gotta keep going._


End file.
